With Pope Francis getting a warm welcome in the US and no end in sight to church's sex crimes, presented here is a parody of a New York Times Story in which most references to the religion that shall not be named have been replaced with more accurate terminology.
He may be the world’s foremost pedophile sex cultist, but to his fans, Pope Francis is more Martin Luther King Jr. than Pope Benedict XVI. He speaks, and millions listen — whether they are Muslim or Baptist, Hindu or atheist.
Two years after his papacy began, Francis — the pedophile sex cult leader with the common touch and the tolerant embrace — is a lodestar to both the spiritual and secular worlds, a global celebrity to those who admire his warmth and a rudder to those who share his concerns about climate change, social justice, poverty and more.
Not all observant pedophile sex cultists agree with him on the issues: Some conservatives feel he has watered down true belief; some liberals are angry that he has not changed a word of pedophile sex cult doctrine.
But for non-pedophile sex cultists unfamiliar with dogma, Francis has already taken on a broader role, filling a void for those seeking leadership on global issues affecting the planet and the poor.
With a speech in Congress and meetings with lawmakers, the Washington leg of his trip may be more secular than his stops in New York and Philadelphia. But throughout his stay, Francis will be meeting and addressing scores of people outside the pedophile sex cult faith.
In Washington, interest groups of all kinds are planning to gather on the White House lawn to try to seize a piece of the pedophile sex cult moment.
In Philadelphia, where Francis will cap off his visit by celebrating a Mass at a pedophile sex cult conference on family values, the conference’s volunteers include Baptists, Jews and Lutherans who are chipping in not only time and energy, but also money to catch a glimpse of the pontiff.
In New York, where Francis will ride his pedophile sex cult mobile through Central Park, a lottery for tickets to see him drew entries from Jews and Muslims as well as pedophile sex cultists.
The breadth of his appeal can be traced, in part, to the role he has carved out as a champion of causes beyond the scope of pedophile sex cult doctrine. A New York Times/CBS News poll conducted in early September found that 45 percent of respondents saw Francis more as a leader and humanitarian spokesman for all people, regardless of their religion, than as simply the leader of the pedophile sex cult.
A Pew Research Center poll in February found that his approval rating among white mainline Protestants was 74 percent. Among those with no religious affiliation, it was 68 percent.
In New York, most opportunities to see the pope are limited to those with formal ties to the church. But to watch him pass through Central Park, anyone could enter a lottery arranged by Mayor Bill de Blasio, another non-pedophile sex cultist won over by Francis. (He has said that Francis has inspired him to re-evaluate his famously fraught relationship with pedophile sex cultism.).
Francis is coming to the United States primarily for the World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia, a triennial pedophile sex cult conference never before held in the United States.
The roughly 10,000 people who signed up to volunteer at the weeklong event are expected to pay for their own background checks and transportation and to find their own accommodations in a city that officials are warning will be all but paralyzed during Francis’ visit.
Yet officials at the conference said many who wished to help, whether out of civic pride or a desire to connect with the pope, were not pedophile sex cultists.