Friday, June 13, 2008

God said to Abraham, "Kill me a son."


I’ve never liked to chew gum.

Gum has many similar properties to food, but it lacks the crucial, filling your belly aspect that I have come to know and love. Some people say that chewing gum keeps them from smoking cigarettes, eating, or engaging in intelligent conversation, but I don’t understand the purpose of eternally chewing something that, at best, starts out tasting like the mints your grandmother used to keep in a bowl on her coffee table, you know, the ones that harden into one gigantic peppermint ball during the summer; and ends up tasting the way you’d expect the rubber soles in your sneakers taste.

Even worse is the sound of people chewing gum. I’m a pretty thick skinned individual, but the sound of chewing gum, especially when chewed open mouthed, the way cows chew, makes me want to set things on fire.

I’m a man; I’m all about the primacy and immediacy of the orgasm. I want my actions to have a purpose. Chewing gum is like dating a eunuch.

That’s why I have such a hard time working out; not exercising, because that can be anything, but specifically, putting on a pair of old sweats, going to a gym, lifting weights, walking on a treadmill, or taking a spin class.

I can play a game for hours on end; on the rare occasion that I do go out with the football, baseball, or soccer ball, I want to keep playing long after most of the other competitors have hung up their hats, kicked off their cleats, or collapsed with heart failure; however, I can only run on a treadmill or lift weights for about twenty minutes before I’m bored as hell.

The difference is that game play requires a fair amount of cerebral activity to anticipate, react to, and counter an opponents actions, while working out is the physical equivalent of writing “I will not fingerbang the special needs girls while the teacher is getting loaded in the parking lot” five hundred times on the chalkboard.

I can’t go more than five minutes without some kind of mental stimulation; I always hated driving, because it requires you to focus all your attention on the road. If I could read a book while driving, there would be no problem and, in this regard, books on tape help quite a bit, but there’s only so many times that I can listen to ‘Hop on Pop’ or ‘Listening to Audio Books for Dummies’ before my mind starts to wander.

Of course, there is the health aspect to working out. A lot of people are concerned with their health, and go to the gym to keep from bloating into hairy, amorphous blobs, but is your health that important that you would pay good money to do things you could otherwise do for free.

There’s no reason why the simple actions of walking, riding a bicycle, and lifting heavy objects require mass produced metal, circuit boards, or electric power.

Sure, it is unpleasant to go for a walk when it’s cold, or raining, outside, but is it any worse than voluntarily transporting yourself to the human equivalent of the spinning wheels we put in hamster cages?

As far as weights are concerned, there are all kinds of heavy things lying around just waiting to be picked up. If you want to bulk up, save your money and get a job working at your local long distance shipping warehouse. There is never a shortage of heavy objects that need moving, and, if you’re smart, you’ll get someone to pay you to do it, instead of using your money, that could be spent on important things like booze, cigarettes, and drugs.

Besides, why are we spending all this time working out, when we are cheating our bodies out of the evolutionary advantages gained by chronic morbid obesity, ludicrously high cholesterol, and rampant, rampant cancer.

The more we try to keep ourselves healthy, the less likely we are to contract disease, so that our immune systems cannot develop the necessary adaptations that facilitate our sedentary lifestyle. If we let ourselves bloat up, our offspring will have stronger hearts, capable of supporting our corpulent mass. If we keep trying to prevent cancer, we won’t develop the immunities to our modern, polluted and irradiated world that enabled humanity to survive in the plague and rat infested waste that existed for most of human history.

No matter how much weight you lose working out at a gym, no matter how much you bulk up your muscles, flatten your tummy, or blast your quads; there’s no amount of exercise that can fix socially awkward and ugly.

If you don’t believe me, then just take a look at the picture at the top of this page.

And God help you if you’re chewing gum.

Sex Mahoney for President


Currently listening to:

Highway 61 Revisited
by Bob Dylan
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