Friday, June 27, 2008

He spoke to me, I took his flute


There's always more time than you need when you don't need it, and never enough when you do.

That's why I propose that everyone cryogenically freeze themselves, and we'll take turns thawing each other out when our services are needed. With the amount of extra time each of us will have, we can practically live forever.

Apart from dreaming up practical alternatives to everyday problems, I also spend my time masturbating and peeping at some of my more attractive neighbors.

For the last month, I've been practicing my drawing with a book written sometime in the early part of the twentieth century by a guy named Andrew Loomis. His technique is great, but he's a little outdated by today's standards; however I now know how to draw slant-eyed Charlie Chan style Chinese characters, big lipped, watermelon eating black people, and women with all kinds of different black eyes.

The world certainly is a different place now than it was when jazz was king, candy bars only cost a nickel, and rape between two people of the same race wasn't really a crime.

A lot of folks would like to go back to those good old days; hell, I'm sure we all have a set of FDR polio leg braces that we're just itching to put to use. Plus, we would get to dress in costumes and people love that sort of thing.

For all our maturity, technology, and 'spirituality' human beings just can't seem to get enough of playing dress-up.

No matter how many photographs people see displaying the days of yore's ridiculous costumes, we keep adorning ourselves in plumage that makes peacocks look humble.

I don't know why we bother with clothes at all, a point I have made countless times in this and other forums; however, at present I would like to direct your attention to a piece of clothing so ridiculous that it's sheer existence is proof that there is no human supporting god, because no omnipotent deity would create a universe where its highest creation would consider the necktie fashionable.

I always read news article puff pieces about how you should dress for the job you want and not the job you have, but most of my employers have been particularly upset when I come into the office with my arm greased up to the elbow and leading a team of trained seals.

Besides, who wants to work at a job where you have to wrap a choking hazard around your neck; that's like sending an AIDS patient to change the bedpans in the nymphomania ward at your local sanitarium.

I have, for brief time, worked at companies that asked me wear a man ribbon, but such relationships never last long. I don't understand the point of getting dressed up to go to work, but it makes even less sense when men are forced to tie themselves up like a strange mix between a Christmas present and a soon to be hanged prisoner.

That is not to say that women don't wear ludicrous clothes, just that nothing women wear can possible compare to the idiocy that is the necktie.

Sure, a garter belt might be uncomfortable, but at least it holds up your stockings; a necktie doesn't even hold your shirt closed, our shirts come equipped with the latest button technology to do that.

Women also have ensembles that incorporate lots of ridiculous decorative objects to distract from their slowly fading looks, so it's not that strange when they add something new to the mix, but a man's suit is one step away from being as utilitarian as it gets, and our silly little wrappings turn what is otherwise the closest thing to sensible formal wear into an exercise in ludicrosity.

In the last twenty years, the number of apparel options, for men in the workplace, has expanded to include polo shirts and dungarees, which brings our grand total up to three; so, now, if a man has been to college and succeeded, he has to wear a silly tie, if his job is expendable, he gets to dress like the more upscale breed of pedophilic youth sports coaches, or if he's never received an education, or fallen on hard times, a single color jumpsuit.

I don't know why we all don't switch over to the jumpsuit. Life is much more comfortable when you don't have to wear pants.

Sex Mahoney for President


Currently listening to:

Blonde on Blonde
by Bob Dylan
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