Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I am in the henhouse with a dozen eggs for sale

I have never had my own room.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I had my own room for two years from 1981-1983, but, since I lacked the ability to speak, climb out of my crib, or roll up a phatty, I couldn’t really appreciate it.

I also had my own room for two months in the summer of 2000, but my girlfriend lived in the next room and that put a real damper on any parties I wanted to have with ladies I found passed out at seedy bars.

For most of my life, I have had a roommate.

My brother and I shared a room until I was seventeen, I had roommates for the two years I lived in a university dormitory, my cousin and I shared a room in my first apartment, and then I got married.

Just once, I would like to masturbate without having to wait for another human being to fall asleep.

I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

There are all kinds of practical problems with masturbating in the same room as a sleeping person: you can’t listen to the sound on any pornography since that’s the kind of thing that usually wakes people and if you’re wearing headphones you won’t know if your sleeping roommate is awake.

On top of that, you’ve got to be careful to keep all your masturbatory accoutrements available, because there’s just as much, if not more, danger digging around your room with a slowly withering erection, and your hand cupped underneath your penis to keep semen from dripping on the floor, while looking for a box of tissues.

For the most part, I don’t envy women. Breasts seem like they would be horribly uncomfortable, you have to wipe every time you go to the bathroom, and everything with a penis is convinced that the reason you don’t like a particular sexual activity is that you haven’t tried it the way THEY do it; however, I do envy women for the ability to inconspicuously masturbate everywhere. So, it’s no problem for women to masturbate while their roommate is sleeping.

Unless you wake up and you see your female roommate with a fifteen-inch black dildo shoved up her ass, it is virtually impossible to distinguish female masturbation from plain old genital scratching. They don’t even have to take off their pants to do it and there’s no rapidly drying gelatinous mess for them to clean up afterwards.

It’s almost enough to make me want to be a woman.

Then again, nothing compares to the simple joy of sticking your penis in something.

Even women who don’t know what it’s like to have a penis have some idea just from the dopey smiles we men have on our faces when we get to do it. Unfortunately for women, it doesn’t really matter into what we’re sticking our penises to get that reaction.

Whether it’s a latex glove full of Vaseline, their best friend anus that one time they got really drunk while camping, or a greased up knothole in a tree, any lubricated opening will do the trick; and while some women might lie to you, saying it’s better, or more meaningful, when they’re penetrated by someone they love, under the right circumstances, any dick’ll do ya.

When it comes to genital stimulation, we are our only pleasure barriers.

Which is why I’m done waiting for roommates to fall asleep, if I feel like masturbating, I’m just going to masturbate; sure, it might make social engagements uncomfortable, but what else are you going to do at a long wedding service?

I know that there are some people out there who are too prude to appreciate this kind of logic, but I refuse to let my lack of privacy at home stand in the way of my auto-erotic satisfaction. This probably means that I’ll be banned from my local mall again, but this time I won’t feel ashamed by it.

My wife and I have already discussed it, as soon as we have enough money; we’re getting an apartment where we each have our own room.

Sex Mahoney for President

Currently listening to:

Unknown Song
by Dan Bern
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