Friday, June 20, 2008

I found me a whore who looks just like you


Every Christmas, I wonder how many of those mall Santa Clauses get erections while there are children on their laps.

It's not as though pedophiles are naturally drawn to jobs as mall Santa's (although, statistically, there's a lot more pedophile Santas than not, but research has consistently shown a lack of a causal relationship), but sometimes, especially when something unpleasant is squirming around in your lap, your penis wakes up and checks out the situation.

With younger children, it's not a problem, since their accustomed to being forced into uncomfortable situations all the time, but I bet you have to be careful with the older kids. An attractive seven-year-old has already had their local religious leader or friendly summer camp counselor proposition them enough to know a boner when they feel one poking their backside.

At times like those, there's nothing left to do but pray.

If you do get fired from your Santa gig, because you happened to get caught with your flag at half mast, then there's nothing more natural than the desire to punish those who trespassed against you.

This is exactly why we should resist our vengeful desires at every opportunity… or, at least, that's what I would say if I believed in resisting natural desires. Vengeance is a perfectly natural response for an irrational and emotional animal brain, just like masturbation and square dancing, and I love at least one of those things.

So why is it that the folks who are most likely to tout the benefits of one of those desires, i.e. vengeance, so likely to denounce the other, masturbation?

Of course, there are those times when there is no one upon whom we can take our revenge.

Sure, we can respond to a September 11th terrorist attack by blowing some underdeveloped country to smithereens, starving its people, and planting our flags in their moldering corpses, but when it comes to natural disasters, we can't exactly whip the Hellespont and hope it responds to our bridge building.

In the last few weeks there have been earthquakes and typhoons killing massive amounts of people in China and Myanmar, respectively. Given that an approximate 90% of the world believes in some sort of deity, then it makes sense that we should indulge our natural disaster vendettas by punishing the religious.

Just like when a chemical company has to pay the cleanup costs, when their toxic waste dump site leaks and poisons a town, the religious groups in a country should foot the bill when their deity unleashes a torrent of natural disasters.

It's only fair.

Of course, the only thing anyone would have to do to get out of such a commitment is renounce their god, but, if many of the women, to whom I've faked spirituality and tried to talk into threesomes, are a fair representation of their various faiths, people don't seem willing to do that, even for great rewards.

They would rather pray for strength.

In some cases, I can understand why people pray; in certain situations, your prayer odds are much better than the odds that you'll win the lottery or break the bank at a casino, and people keep gambling in droves; however, I am always surprised when people ask others to pray, particularly when it comes to debilitating illnesses.

I can understand if you keep your fingers crossed when there's a 50% chance of rain on picnic day, and keeping your fingers crossed is just another form of praying, but even if it does stay dry while you take your best girl out for a picnic and an illicit, park bathroom blowjob, your wishing it were true has no bearing on whether the moisture accumulated in a cloud exceeds its ability to retain said moisture.

At best, a prayer is nothing more than a wish and at worst, a deluded wish. Your desire for your cousin to survive pancreatic cancer does nothing to change the 3%, five-year survival rate anymore than my wish, that my penis was big enough to do some serious damage, makes my cock any bigger.

When it comes to the illness sufferer, I completely understand why they would wish, pray, or do anything they could to improve their chances, because people in desperate situations will do reckless things, which is why it's always a good idea to bone up on your Shakespeare and visit your local college campus just before exam time to see how many blowjobs you can weasel out of about to fail undergrads… but that's no excuse for the rest of us to buy into it.

There are conditions in this world that create probable situations, and once those conditions are met, we can calculate the statistical probability with which those situations will occur; so, unless you're praying that a pregnancy test turns up negative at the same time as you're rooting around your lovers uterus with a curette, your prayers do nothing to influence the probable outcome.

And if you feel something poking you in the backside while you're sitting on Santa's lap, just cut him a break.

Sex Mahoney for President


Currently listening to:

Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash
by The Pogues
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