Monday, June 9, 2008

Make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain

As far as abstinence only education is concerned, there’s no more intimate way for two people to express their love for one another than to rub their genitals together.

Something about exchanging bodily fluids makes the hole-act more meaningful.

For whatever reason, abstinence only education book publishers were not receptive to my suggestion that similar bodily fluid exchange; for example, when two crying people rub their teary eyes together (since, according to Senator Bill Frist, M.D. this activity can transmit HIV), mash their boogers into a ball and then eat them ‘Lady and the Tramp’ style, or sweat into each other’s mouths.

They seem to think that intimacy is only possible when procreation is a possibility.

Sure, all your happy humping can create another human being, but that’s only if you’re not careful and you don’t have good aim with a wire hanger.

I fail to see how sexual intercourse is the best way to get intimate with someone; in fact, one of the best ways to shut someone up is to put your genitals in their mouth or give them a good rogering. For those men who don’t already know, a woman’s disposition declines dramatically in relation to the last time she had an orgasm. Most of the time, even if someone is not giving it to them regular, they can put up with us because they have the enviable ability to inconspicuously masturbate wherever and whenever they want, but, if something interrupts their auto-erotic dailies, then it would be best to stay out of their way. So the next time you piss off your wife, or girlfriend, just fuck her until she forgives you… that’s relationship advice domestic abusers, drunks, and drug addicts have exploited for years.

Even if you’re deeply in love with someone, that doesn’t mean every sexual encounter you have will be intimate; sometimes you just want to finish quickly so you can get to sleep, make it to work, or cum before the commercials are over.

You can make a deep, physical and emotional connection with another human being when your genitals are simultaneously stimulated, but it’s not guaranteed.

At best, abstinence only education is like a girl who thinks that sleeping with her boyfriend will make him love her back, or a man who thinks that he owns a woman just because she didn’t stop him from putting his penis inside her while she was sleeping.

Intimacy can even be faked. When my wealthy grandmother was lying in a hospital bed, dying from necrotizing fasciitis, I kept a concerned look on my face by trying to count to a million using only prime numbers. My cousin got his hands on her will and changed it before I did, so it didn’t do me any good in the long run, but, even as I held the pillow over her mouth and nose, she probably had no idea what I was really thinking.

As any frat boy who has struck out spending five hundred dollars on dinner, a Broadway show, and dancing before resorting to Rohypnol can tell you; no one knows when or where an intimate moment will occur.

The only thing we know for sure is that forcing intimacy does not work, and often leads to bad press or a prison sentence.

So if waiting until marriage does not magically create intimacy, then teaching abstinence only sex education to a group of people with raging hormones and poor impulse control is a lot like passing out guns to soldiers and cops then telling them their primary goal is to keep the peace; the only difference is that you can take away the guns when things get too violent, but, as every husband who spends three to five days of every month sleeping in a bar, hormones are a wave that one must ride until it’s over.

Intimacy is created any time two, or more, people find themselves inextricably linked by circumstances beyond their control, and you can no more teach people the best way to achieve it than you can explain the reasons why any two people fall in love.

The one thing, of which you can be sure, is that dogmatically sticking to one particular philosophy, especially at an early age, will do more to restrict the number of people with whom you will be truly intimate in your life.

In short, parents push their kids into piano lessons, little league, and ballet, but balk when it comes to the only activity where no one makes you wear a stupid uniform or perform in front of heckling strangers.

I know that those of you with children don’t want to think about the various genitals your children will rub against in their lives, but if you spend your time teaching them that abstaining until marriage is the best way to achieve intimacy, then they’ll grow up not knowing any better than to listen to a guy like me.

Sex Mahoney for President

Currently listening to:

Born to Run
by Bruce Springsteen
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