Monday, June 16, 2008

Microwave, or is that microwove


Difficult times call for great sacrifice.

Apparently, when my mother and father were children, they used to walk fifteen miles to school, in their bare feet and uphill… both ways. Times were different then. They didn’t have all the newfangled gadgets we have nowadays like cars and buses. With gas prices rising to all time highs, it might behoove us to make children walk to school again.

Sure, the world is a lot more dangerous these days than it was when my parents were children. After all, the US Department of Health and Human Services reported that the estimated number of substantiated sexually abused children is about 80,000 per year (in 2000, the last year for which I could find such data); therefore, since there are about 73 million children, under the age of 18, in the US, your kids have a 0.001% chance of being molested. While that is a truly frightening number, walking to school, while making children easier targets for sex predators, would diminish the number of overweight kids since they would be taken down first, and the rest would get plenty of exercise while running away.

If you’re not willing to give up something, then you may end up losing everything.

That’s why current US President George W Bush has given up playing golf to show his solidarity with the troops. The rationale is that it’s in poor taste for grieving mother’s and widows to see Georgie-boy out on the back 9 while they’re composting what remains of their husband, wife, son, or daughter, because they don’t have the money to pay for a proper funeral and benefits, for soldiers killed in action, have been reduced to the point that the military will only pay for a shovel set or a ride on their newest funerary innovation, the corpse-a-pult.

To show my own solidarity, I am going to give up supporting the troops until the Iraq War is over.

Like I said, difficult times call for difficult measures.

It’s not that I don’t like military personnel, most of the military people I’ve met, who didn’t try to beat me up for being a peace-loving, homo, faggot, were perfectly nice. It’s just that supporting the troops sends the wrong message to our fighting men and women overseas.

If we support the troops too much, then they’re going to think they can just stay overseas forever and invade any country they want. We have to play it hard to get, so that they want to come home and we don’t appear too needy. That’s what Doctor Phil recommends and you should always listen to bald, gay men.

I have also decided to give up making people laugh. I will still say funny and ridiculous things, but I will punctuate them with threats of physical violence against my audience.

Sacrifice is such a hard thing to make, since you usually have to acquire and assemble materials to make something, but making a sacrifice means giving up or disassembling something you built or possess. I prefer to eliminate the unnecessary verb and article and just sacrifice. I sacrifice. It’s a minor grammatical point, but speaking in two word sentences is an excellent way to say “Fuck you” to someone without having to insult them in front of their friends, family, coworkers, or children.

The thing about sacrifice is that the thing being forsworn has to mean something to the sacrificer. The folk tale of Abraham going up on the mountain to sacrifice his son means a lot because people tell me that it’s difficult to murder your children.

While it might seem like giving up golf does not mean anything, the people who criticize the President have to remember that he’s getting older by the second. Sure, he was a brash, young, go-getter when he took office, but George Bush Jr. is now 61-years-old, which means he has less than four years to perfect his game if he’s ever going to qualify for the Senior PGA tour. At this rate, the Iraq war could go on long enough that Bush has to give up his professional golfing dreams and settle for the millions of dollars he will receive in speaking and consulting fees after he steps down from the presidency. What is a soldier’s life compared to that?

So throw your stones if it will make you feel better about the behaviors you’ve sacrificed over the years, but you should actually throw those stones at yourself, because yes, while your wife may have asked you to stop killing prostitutes, and burying them in your basement, when you got married, no one made you do it.

No matter how much you think you’ve sacrificed, it still won’t measure up to the things George Bush gave up when he gave the order to invade Iraq.

Although, I hear that, what with the housing market the way it is, you can buy slightly used souls pretty cheap these days.

Sex Mahoney for President


Currently listening to:

Unknown Song
by Dan Bern
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