Monday, July 14, 2008

Don't take any wooden nickels when you sell your soul

When it comes to penises, some men are luckier than others.

The prevailing parlance is hung like a horse; however, a horse’s penis isn’t that large in comparison to its total body size while the Argentine Lake Duck has a penis that is as large as the animal itself when the damn thing is fully erect; still, I suppose I should stick with the classic and compare boys to horses since most men wouldn’t cotton to being referred to as hung like a Duck.

I am hung like a duck.

Unfortunately, for the women with whom I’ve slept, not the Argentine Lake Duck, but the more common variety of plain old mallards which have penises that are big enough to get caught in a keyhole, but too small to do any real damage.

It’s not so bad, having a tiny cock. I developed my comedy to offer people something other than a gargantuan penis and sure, you’re restricted to all but the most self-conscious and unattractive of all women, but enough about my wife, let’s talk about marijuana.

If my dick were marijuana, it would be four times more potent now than it was back in the 70s. Now, I’m not so great at math, but zero times four… well that’s gotta be much better than the puny, semi-limp disappointment with which I’ve tortured many a sorry lass over the years.

In a recent article about an increase in marijuana potency, weed scientists says that the pot of today is 9% THC, while 70s pot was only about 4%.

I can understand why some people might want to keep an unregulated, psychoactive drug illegal to preserve the public order, but it’s far more dangerous to make smoking a relatively harmless substance a criminal act because hippies are not at all prepared to defend themselves against the honorable scum one meets when shopping on the black market.

Besides, there’s a certain group of people who are naturally drawn to illegal activities, just for the illicit fun they promise to deliver. Ever since my hometown passed an anti-gourdophilia bill in 2003, I have had the strange urge to have sex with the pumpkins I see lining my mother’s street when I visit her for Halloween.

A White House spokesperson, John Walters, took the increased potency discovery humorlessly, saying: “Marijuana potency has grown steeply over the past decade, with serious implications in particular for young people," Walters said. He cited the risk of psychological, cognitive and respiratory problems, and the potential for users to become dependent on other drugs like cocaine and heroin.”

I can’t remember the last time that I met anyone who opposed marijuana decriminalization

To be fair, most of the people I meet are pot heads, or are around me when I’m smoking pot, so it could be like the one guy who pretends he’s a pedophile when he accidentally gets dragged to a NAMBLA convention and doesn’t want to look uncool in front of his child raping friends.

Either way, we’ve all heard the arguments for marijuana decriminalization but I don’t often hear people arguing the contrary position, so it’s always strange when public officials reiterate disproven drug myths about weed.

It’s almost as though there were still people out there who genuinely believed in Bigfoot, Jesus and the Loch Ness Monster.

After a certain point, we have to look at the rational arguments for maintaining the status quo, and if there is no data to support our current position, then we need to revise our understanding of the law and how it works.

When it comes to pot, criminalization does more harm than legalization could ever do.

Sure, it is possible that, upon legalizing marijuana, lines might move even slower than they already do, there would be a nationwide Twinkie shortage, and a stoned president might accidentally fire all of our nuclear missiles at Belgium for refusing to provide free samples at the world summit on beer, chocolate, and waffles, but if you think any of these hypothetical situations are possible, then you’re obviously stoned because pot heads can’t get government jobs, no one eats Twinkies, and, in order to be elected president, you first have to prove to the American people that you’re the biggest square to ever walk the land.

Just as there are mythologists on the criminalization side of the argument, there are equally stupid people on the legalization side. Marijuana will not open the doors of perception to see past the unimportant, trivial matters that eat away at your life any more than getting drunk will make you more eloquent and sexually appealing to members of your preferred sex, but, while getting stoned may impair your judgment to the point where you think I make a lot of sense, it won’t lower your inhibitions to the point where you’ll have unprotected sex with a little dicked, amateur writer.

Sex Mahoney for President

Currently listening to:

Daisies of the Galaxy
by The Eels
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