Friday, July 11, 2008

His hopes were filled with sand


Whenever I read a piece about abortion, especially on the internet, the author generally includes an admonition, warning all of their commentators to stay civil.

I say fuck that.

When you’re talking about abortion, you have to take all arguments to their logical extremes. Even though it might not be pleasant to think about a small fetus, a la 2001: A Space Odyssey, opening its eyes at the exact moment that its first and last vision is filled with swirling fan blades; we don’t deserve the privilege if we’re not willing to think about the negative consequences with which it comes.

Granted, there are some activities with which I disagree, such as war, American I-dolt, and pre-teen beauty pageants, but I would be far less disinclined toward those events if the people running them were more honest about their intentions.

If George W Bush had the balls to go on the news and say “We don’t really care about the Iraqi people, and we know that our invasion has not made America any safer than it ever was, but we REALLY want their oil” then I would still disagree with the man’s politics, but my opinion of him would be much higher; similarly, if the Fox Broadcasting company issued a press release saying “We’re not trying to help singers create successful music careers, we’re just conducting a sociological study to see how long it takes for people to realize that Simon Cowell is actually composed of reconstituted fish parts” then I still wouldn’t watch American Idol, but I would stop covering Randy Jackson’s house in toilet paper and sending wave after wave of break-dance fighters at Paula Abdul.

About certain subjects, while we might not want to reduce complex arguments to simple, amoral terms, we must if we are to make rational decisions. A sixteen-year-old girl, who still thinks that Zac Effron is the bee’s knees, can probably take care of a baby, if she has help from her parents, or a similar source of income, but should she have the choice to mutilate the undeveloped fetus growing in her uterus if she thinks she is ill equipped to take care of another human, or her delivery date coincides with the release of High School Musical 3? Absolutely.

If you’re worried about abortion’s moral implications, then move to a country where they are illegal or don’t get any, it’s as simple as that.

Of course, to fully debate the issue, we would have to take the argument to its logical extreme in the opposite direction.

If legislatures criminalize abortion, more people will turn to alternative forms of sexual intercourse such as anal and aural. We live in a world where dwindling oil supplies and a peak in oil production have already driven petroleum based product prices sky high, including oil based lubricants such as Vaseline, mineral oil, and vegetable shortening. As more people turn to anal sex to avoid pregnancy, the price of personal lubricants will restrict affordability to all but the wealthiest butt fuckers, while the poor will suffer from an increase in the frequency of rectal tearing; plus, nine out of ten otolaryngologists advocate keeping all objects, even cotton swabs, out of the ears, not to mention penises; besides, the treatment for poor people’s anal tearing and ear drum punctures will be unaffordable without universal healthcare. So, if you’re one of those socialist, hippie types, then, by all means, keep pushing to criminalize abortion.

But this isn’t really about abortion, it’s about argumentative civility; unfortunately, the term doesn’t hold much weight, since, if you’re arguing with someone, they will be too busy tearing down your logical reasoning to have much time to for incivility, and if the person with whom you want to argue keeps calling you dirty names and suggesting you go to hell, then you’re talking to a jerk, not arguing.

Once you realize that you’re talking to a jerk, there are a number of approaches you can take.

You may continue reasoning with the person, ignoring their suggestions that you do unholy things with your mother or that you’re underarms smell. This is called the pussy approach.

You may cease arguing with the person and put your breath to better use like making dirty phone calls to your spouse’s more attractive friends. This is called the Sex Mahoney approach.

Or you may conduct a terrorist campaign against the other person, firebombing their house, unleashing swarms of locusts into their bedrooms, and turning their relatives into pillars of salt until they give in to your demands. This is called the God approach.

On the internet, most people argue the same way that children choose which of them will become a sacrifice to their primitive god, by picking on the fat until kid he starts to cry; however, you’ll rarely see people arguing about sticky subjects like abortion in real life. On one hand, most people want to avoid the unpleasantness that goes along with arguing with someone about an irrational belief, but, on the other, the internet allows the semi-intelligent a chance to research their subject, build a logical argument, and present their case so that they sound like they’re informed.

These people usually find their voices drowned out in a cacophony of hooting, obscenity and hollering because, when it comes to arguing with people on the internet, anti and pro-abortion advocates have already taken their virtual curette to logic and argumentative civility.

Sex Mahoney for President


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Swagger
by Flogging Molly
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