Monday, July 7, 2008

There are rooms in this house that I don't open anymore


As much as it pains me to say, I don’t make that big a stink.

Sure, I smell unpleasant most of the time, but you’ve got to get up close to get anything approaching nasty, and even then, not many people are willing to take a whiff of my ball, and everyone’s genitals smell the same when you’ve been swimming in raw sewage all day.

No, I’m not a stinky man, I’m a greasy man.

While my body odor isn’t particularly strong, at the end of the day, it is possible to lubricate your car engine on the sum of the sebaceous secretions my body produces.

I don’t have much acne, just the occasional pimple here and there, but I can easily slip away in a fight as my entire body often feels like a McDonald’s service counter.

It has come in handy on more than one occasion.

It probably doesn’t help that I save money on soap by washing my face in vegetable shortening, but I don’t know what else to do with my yearly soybean crop, and I’ll be damned if any of that produce is going to help feed starving children. It’s bad enough that I have to share my oxygen with those damnable orphans, but to share my food as well… not in this lifetime.

Some people call me a monster for my reluctance to help the poor, but I say: “Hey, I’d be perfectly willing to give their children jobs as international sex workers, but apparently that’s off limits to you prudes.”

One of the many benefits associated with oily skin in that, every once in a while, a little bit of dirt gets trapped in a pore and I enjoy a day or two walking around with a giant, throbbing pimple.

I don’t know about everyone else, but, to me, there’s nothing more fun than popping an overripe pimple, especially when they spray dead skin, bacteria, and pus all over the bathroom mirror or the person sitting next to you.

Still, popping pimples in public is generally frowned upon, so I compromise and do that sort of thing in the privacy of my own home, where I can video the explosion, replay it in slow motion, and show it to people just before I serve them ranch dressing salads, fettuccini alfredo, or pus burgers.

There’s nothing more vital to a healthy relationship than compromise.

Whether it’s cutting a plea deal to avoid a jail sentence for flashing cashiers at the supermarket, or agreeing to show up to work wearing at least one article of clothing; compromise is an important element of a stable, modern society.

Somehow, the American people have forgotten compromise’s importance when it comes to domestic and international politics.

It’s not surprising.

The only time anyone in the current president’s administration compromises is when Cheney lets Bush be on top for a change, but that has more to do with the vice-president’s game heart than it does with the deeper penetration the cowgirl position allows.

As the new presidential election approaches, republicans and democrats, liberals and conservatives, Sleestak and Pakuni all have to put aside their differences, pull together, and compromise.

As a concession to conservatives: schools can teach intelligent design, but only in literature classes alongside the DC comic series ‘Crisis on Infinite Earths;’ Fox News can still broadcast, but they have to provide credible sources for all information expressed on the airwaves; abortions will be illegal for anyone who doesn’t want one; and gay people can only get married Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and every other Sunday.

As a concession to liberals: we can have universal healthcare, but the doctors will be largely incompetent, private gun ownership will be outlawed, but people will still be able to check them out of their local, public libraries if they can provide two forms of ID, pass a criminal background check, and dance the hully-gully; and Chelsea Clinton has to make a porno with Jena Bush and Lexington Steele.

Compromise is at the heart of change, and since every one of the political candidates is advocating some kind of change for the next four years, it’s only fitting that we give it to them.

After all, when you refuse to change, the same old political ideas get rehashed every two to four years by the same pundits with the same opinions. Eventually, all those tired old hacks starts to clog up the American pores, and, before you know it, we have a situation like the current one: where there’s a giant, oily pimple in the white house and everyone is too afraid of what will happen if we pop it.

It’s about time we squeezed the shit out of this thing and see what kind of garbage we can flush out.

Just let me get my camera.

Sex Mahoney for President


Currently listening to:

The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner
by Ben Folds
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