Wednesday, September 3, 2008

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It’s too hot to think about anything except how hot it is.

That and penis. I keep thinking about penis.

Is it just me, or have there been a lot more cocks in movies over the last year. Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, Cock Man: The Cockinator are all movies that feature a healthy amount of flaccid male genitalia.

Hell, last summer’s Superbad featured a character whose quirks was repeatedly drawing penis after penis.

It’s awfully nice to see some nudity if mainstream films besides breasts and ass. Don’t get me wrong, I like breasts, but, without a little variety, everything gets boring.

Besides, in a world where every national landmark is shaped like a giant penis, or dedicated to people who have them, wouldn’t it be nice to see a little more vagina?

I’m not talking about pubic hair, there’s plenty of that in movies, and when have two men, or a man and a lesbian, while sitting around talking about women with whom they’d like to sleep, ever said “Oh man, she’s so hot. I’d eat thirteen tons of shit to see her pubic hair.”

Of course, there are bound to be some people out there who are really into pubic hair, so I cheerfully retract the previous comment and leave you nether-hair fetishists to your short, curly interests.

Just because I can’t understand something doesn’t mean that there aren’t a lot of people out there who really get into it; personally, I don’t understand why people would sit in traffic to go to the beach, aka the world’s largest ashtray, just to swim in fish and medical waste, but that’s just me.

I’m reasonably sure that there is at least one person out there for every possible fetish; the best thing is that, most likely there’s a magazine for it. If you’re into phone sex, and I’m not talking about the pussy kind where you talk dirty to someone over the telephone, but the kind where you pry the numbers out of your phone and fuck its circuit board like there’s no tomorrow, then don’t worry, because, for only fifty dollars a year, you can get monthly issues of Dirty Ma Bell, delivered to your house in non descript brown paper packaging.

The hard part is finding someone with whom you’re sexually compatible, because, it’s not enough to find someone who also enjoys phone sex, but someone who wants to share their fetish with you.

Part of that is selfishness, but the majority of privacy issues stem from people’s inability to recognize similarities between themselves and the other mostly hairless apes because, for most of their lives, they’re told that their genitals need covering.

Blanket genital censoring tells children that there’s something wrong with their penis or vagina, so that they feel dirty if they whip it out at the local Laundromat, or ride the escalator banister at the local mall.

While I can understand a person who gets turned on by pubic hair, I can’t understand the point of censorship, particularly in this, the internet age, when anyone with even a dial-up connection has seen at least one human being shitting in someone else’s mouth. From what, are children being protected?

Seeing a penis or a vagina is never indecent, because decency shows regard for the people around you. It’s highly indecent to urinate on an unsuspecting stranger who has not requested you do so, but it is never indecent to watch someone pee on another person… in fact, that can be quite funny.

What’s even more absurd is that most states have an age of consent somewhere around 16, which means that there is a whole group of children out there who can happily have sex with anyone they want, but they can’t spend ten bucks to go see it on a movie screen. If it is harmful for a child to see a penis, or a vagina, then it makes sense that they should wear diapers until they reach the legal age of consent for the particular state in which they live, at which point, their parents could safely let them examine their own genitals; however, just like Laius and Pelias, who met their fate while trying to avoid it, the longer you restrict someone’s access to a pleasurable activity, the more zealous they will become upon discovering the hitherto unknown gratification.

I once knew a Mormon boy who wore a chastity belt until he was 21 years old, and, upon having it removed, masturbated himself to death within a week.

People always talk about vaginal odor, but penis odor is often overlooked, just because women emit a constant musk from their genitals; however, take a whiff of a cock after a long day of walking around in the summer heat and it smells just as bad, if not worse, than the most yeast infected vagina I’ve ever seen. Vaginas also get awful smelly in the summertime, but unless the woman to whom it belongs is also menstruating, it’s never as bad as a fetid cock. Vaginas don’t smell like your grandmother’s apple pie either, and keeping both trapped inside clothes all the time just makes them smell worse, which means that the person who sticks their face into your smelly genitals after a summer night out on the town is receiving a healthy dose of indecency just because some puritans say you can’t expose your genitals to a cool summer breeze.

So keep your eyes open as you walk through crowded summer areas, and never forget about all the disgusting, sweaty, stinky genitals on all the people around you, at sporting events, firework displays, religious services, and barbecues, that are, right now, soaking in a pool of sweat, dead skin, and pheromones, which, for some reason, people think it would be wrong to free from their textile prisons and air out.

In this heat, it’s a necessity.

Sex Mahoney for President


Currently listening to:

Year by Year Home Run Totals of the Great Barry Bonds
by Dan Bern
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