Monday, September 29, 2008

I have not showered in 36 days

Korean people don’t flush their toilet paper.

Each toilet has a small garbage can next to it, into which people throw their shit stained toilet tissue after wiping their asses.

Women’s bathrooms also have piss stained toilet paper in their trash cans… I think, I don’t know because I’ve never been in a women’s bathroom in Korea.

Or course, this is all moot, because 90% of the public toilets in Korea don’t have any toilet paper in the stalls; if you’re lucky enough to find an attendant and ask them about toilet paper, they usually laugh at you and then go back to whatever it is they were doing before you bothered them with your ridiculous question.

Still, there are public toilets everywhere. I have never had trouble finding a public toilet anywhere in Korea. As long as you’re willing to forgo toilet paper, this place is a bathroom paradise.

It makes me wonder if we even need toilet paper at all.

I know you ladies use toilet paper to dry off your vaginas after a good pee, but isn’t that why we wear underwear. No amount of shaking and drying can keep the last few drops from winding up in your pants, but that’s okay because urine is sterile and human urine contains a powerful pheromone that produces a strong, and immediate, reaction in other humans of the opposite sex; If you don’t believe me, then just carry a small cup full of your urine around and watch what happens when you throw it on the female of your dreams.

Toilet paper engenders an inefficient waste management system since, in countries where the toilet paper gets flushed, waste water treatment costs go up in relation to how much tissue needs removing and, in countries where the toilet paper goes in the garbage, there are, at any time, large trucks driving around with bags of shit paper. It’s bad enough that parents buy disposable diapers and leave them for their friendly neighborhood sanitation associate to haul away, but to make every garbage bag a potential typhus epidemic is too much.

It’s about time that we worked out a real solution to this problem, and, as always, the solution is simple cost management.

Toilet paper is too expensive. People have to keep buying more and more of it, plus, the stuff is hardly reusable. During a particularly virulent environmentally conscious period, I tried to stretch my household budget by wiping with both the front and back of the paper, but the flimsy stuff fell apart after the fifth or sixth use.

Similarly, if we wiped with an article of clothing, or our hands, we’d lose whatever savings he earned, by getting rid of toilet paper because we would constantly need to wash the shit off our hands.

So, in the interest of saving everyone some time, money, and discomfort, I recommend that we start wiping our vaginas and asses with junk mail. Take those credit card offers, Val-Pak coupons, and Sears Catalogues and treat your rectum to the soothing feel of glossy paper. The best part about it is that, once you’re done, you can put it right back in the envelope… return to sender.

The sheer amount of junk mail a family receives is enough to keep the family wiping for decades to come; besides, if companies are going to send several pounds of unsolicited advertising to your door on a daily basis, then there’s no need to waste money buying expensive TP.

Okay, so maybe you and your family have gastrointestinal problems, or maybe you just can’t stop frying your bacon in lard, and you think that your junk mail won’t be enough to cover you for the year. Don’t worry; the new yellow pages will be here soon enough.

Once you’re done wiping your way from Aaronson’s Aardvark Repair to Zena’s Zither and Zincography Emporium, there is plenty more useless paper sitting around your house that would better serve to collect feces than it does being read.

The bible makes for excellent wiping. Not only are the pages soft, absorbent, and spiritual, but you can keep them in a box by the door for the next time that a Christian proselytizer comes to the door to pick up your poopy scripture and drop off a new one. The only downside is that they usually want to talk, so you’ve got to quickly grab their holy book, thrust the shit stained pages at them, and close the door before they get started, because, once they do, you’re in for a four hour treatise on “Jesus this” and “Stop stabbing me” that.

Next, plow through your coffee table books. Start with the ones you received as gifts from spiteful relatives such as Lighthouses of Iowa, Hitler’s Guide to Hospitality, and Siberian Winterscapes and gradually work your way through to ones that are just picture after picture of naked babies.

Not only will you save money, but, in the long run, you’ll clear all manner of useless shit out of your house.

Don’t forget to flush.

Sex Mahoney for President

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