Monday, September 8, 2008

She's out of my league, I'm insane


It’s a lot harder to shit your pants than most people admit.

Sure, when you’re sick, watch the movie The Notebook, or eat a pound of chocolate flavored elephant laxative, it’s much easier, but that’s not what I mean.

Most of you are probably reading this sitting down, as it is difficult to read and carry a laptop, plus there are all those pesky trees, light poles, and unfenced interstates that get in the way; so, I challenge you, right now, to try and shit your pants.

See, you couldn’t do it.

That’s because our social conditioning is so strong that only trauma, such as eating an entire five gallon tub of olestra or mental illness can break our deeply ingrained habits. It’s also hard to piss your pants on purpose, but not as hard as you might think.

Human beings, given the right training, can grow accustomed to just about anything.

Just ask the eight-year-old, child prostitute children of the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands who exchanged sexual favors for the privilege of making bound for the US textiles in sweetshops and they’ll tell you that you’re a prude for holding on to your virginity until you were nine.

Or take the Republican congressmen, who were so used to making money from kickbacks and bribes, they made sure that, as a protectorate of the United States, clothes made by those sex slaves had Made in the US of A tags on the back and no troubling legislation made it illegal for those honorable slavers to do their patriotic duty of offering 15% price reductions in textiles to God-fearing, red state, Americans.

Yup, people can be trained to do just about anything… but that doesn’t mean they’re amateurs.

An amateur is someone who has no particular training in a specific field, but who dabbles in that bailiwick anyway; like the father who carefully edits videos of his family’s vacations into professional looking, but still boring, fodder, or the woman who only gives blowjobs on birthdays, Christmas, and at funerals.

A professional is someone who knows what they’re doing.

That’s why I’m not impressed by the Olympics, and I fully supported a boycott of the 2008 Beijing games.

While there are some sports which allow professional athlete participation, the Olympics prides itself on being an amateur competition when nothing could be further from the truth.

An amateur competition would be if your cousin Larry, the one who plays basketball with you at family gatherings as an excuse to touch your backside, was on the Olympic team; it would be an amateur competition if I tried to do triple back flips on the balance beam; it would be an amateur competition if the people competing hadn’t trained their entire lives to be Olympic athletes.

Plus, while many Olympic competitors are forbidden from competing if they’ve previously competed for money, but endorsement deals don’t count as competing for money; so, if you still consider someone who started training from the moment they left the womb and receives money for what they do, an amateur, then you’ve learned nothing from your time as an amateur philologist.

Just like every other human endeavor, the Olympics keep up a façade to keep people from realizing what an enormous waste of time and money it is to watch our fellow hairless apes twirl themselves around uneven parallel bars to win rocks dug out of the ground and shaped into little circles.

Recently, there has been quite a stir over athletes disqualified from the Olympics for steroid use, because of the harmful negative consequences associated with shooting your body full of synthetic bull hormones; however, as Mary Lou Retton can attest, little girls who train as gymnasts remain midgets for life and, unlike the movie Gymkata suggests, there is no international fighting force of gymnasts to save the princess of Parmistan from evil Communist Ninjas. Let’s pump these athletes full of steroids; it might make the Olympics more interesting to see two female gymnasts beat each other to death.

It’s about time that regular folks stood up to those Olympic committee punks and sent them a strong message by not watching and not attending this year’s Olympic games in Beijing… and this isn’t about Tibet, fuck Tibet. I have no sympathy for a religious group that wants to be free from oppression so they can go back to oppressing their own people.

Don’t watch the Olympics, don’t go to the Olympics, don’t buy any Olympic related merchandise, and, when athletes come back from the Olympics, spit on them as you would common dogs, because that’s the only way that humans beings are ever going to learn… by conditioning.

Just don’t forget that I’m only talking about the 2008 Olympics. If my petition to the Olympic committee to have pants shitting recognized as an Olympic sport for the 2012 London games, then I expect you to honor me as a hero when I come back with my gold medal.

Sex Mahoney for President


Currently listening to:

Heads are Gonna Roll
by The Hippos
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