Wednesday, September 10, 2008

What’s a few broken bones when we all know it’s good clean fun

Everybody wants to be the first one to discover something.

It’s the next best thing to doing something unique and creative of which everyone wants to be a part.

It’s easy to find folks who will tell you that they were there the first night that Nirvana played some shitty dive bar in Seattle, or wrote code with Tom to develop this myspace monster, and I’m willing to bet that if you traveled back in time, you’d find an early human who’d swear to you that they were there the night that Ahk-Tang discovered fire.

That’s why most men want to date virgins; there’s a certain excitement in being the first explorer to enter a new land, even if that means having to deal with unfriendly natives, or overly tight vaginas.

I don’t understand that obsession. It’s not as though you, upon finishing with a virgin, get to take off your SCUBA gear, plant a flag in their vagina, and say “I claim this land in the name of (from wherever the hell it is you came).” Sure, it builds character to travel the road less taken, but there are many benefits to the beaten path. I prefer to date women who were previously in abusive relationships, because nothing I do will be worse than what their previous boyfriend’s did and it’s not at all hard to pick up women in police stations, hospitals, and non-profit shelters.

When it comes down to it, most people really don’t want to be first, and, if you don’t believe me, then walk into your local pharmacy, strap a fifteen inch dildo to the end of a pneumatic jack hammer, and hang a sign around your neck advertising 25 cents a ride. No one will want to go first… which is why you should also bring along some kind of powerful nerve gas or a rubber mallet.

There’s a lot of pressure being someone’s first sexual partner, which is part of the reason why I never sleep with virgins; the other reasons being that, I don’t want my perverse degeneracy ruining anyone else’s sexually explorative journey and I don’t want to spend my recreational hours teaching anyone anything.

I teach for a living, so I’m not interested in imparting knowledge to anyone unless I’m financially compensated for my expertise.

No matter what your job, any oft repeated activity sullied by money eventually becomes a soulless, mind numbing punishment for failing to listen to your parents advice and choosing a career in whatever earns you your daily bread rather than law, medicine, or, in the case of my parents, emu farmer. Pornstars don’t want to come home from a long day of fucking and get fucked, police officers don’t want to come home from a long day of stereotyping minorities and watch BET, and the last thing on a religious leaders mind, after a long day of performing their godly duties, is raping children; for the same reasons, I don’t want to teach in my spare time.

It’s not that I abhor learning, absorbing knowledge is one of my favorite activities and I’m glad that my brain possesses the ability to decode the random scribbles we have unanimously decided create sounds into messages, I just don’t want to be the one to do it.

Most people’s first sexual partner sets the tone for them in much the same way that a school teaches them how to learn, and the damage done by your inaugural penis or vagina, just like the psychotic ramblings of your tenth grade history teacher, can take years to undo. The only difference between them is that you’ll have at least ten to eleven years of history crammed down your throat, but no one thinks it’s necessary to teach children how to fuck in school… that and you won’t get any tater tots or steakums from the person who pops your cherry.

Like any other vocation, fucking is an important social, and economic skill, even if you prudes don’t want to legalize prostitution, there are men and women out there who will need to know how to show a wealthy widow or a quadriplegic Texas oilman a good time in the sack because they have no other valuable skills by which to earn a living.

It’s about time that schools focused on the important things like teaching kids how to fuck. That way, they will not only emerge from their adolescence with the necessary skills to get them through their first four years at university, but all the pressure of their first sexual encounter will take place at school under a trained professional’s supervision.

Teaching children how to fuck will demystify all the hoopla surrounding their virginities, so that they won’t think twice about giving it up in the back of their parents’ car now that they’ve already been deflowered by a middle-aged government employee.

Besides, when it comes right down to it, there’s nothing special about going first, you’ve just experienced something before the hordes descended upon it; so even if you were there to see Nirvana play their first show, that doesn’t make their music suck any less.

Sex Mahoney for President

Currently listening to:

I'm the Man
by Joe Jackson
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