Friday, September 12, 2008

You are just like a pornstar and I suck your cock like a whore

Something about the phrase dick sucking lips rubs me the wrong way.

Once you put a penis between any set of lips, they automatically become dick sucking lips, but, more importantly, lips don’t do any of the dick sucking while a person sucks dick. Lung muscle contractions create suction, the lips just form a seal around whatever it is upon which their owner happens to suck, which doesn’t have to be a dick, although that does seem to be the thing that people suck on the most.

So the phrase dick seal lips should replace the phrase dick sucking lips in the popular vernacular, that way I can mount a justifiable defense in the civil suit Sea World filed against me.

Don’t judge me; someday, you too might have sex with a pinniped, in what you think is a secluded tank right before some idiot tour guide raises a curtain thereby exposing your genitals to a group of field tripping students, and need a logical argument with which to convince a jury that you had a good reason as to why you were in the seal tank in the first place.

Sure, I know that dick sucking lips, in the common usage refers to a woman or man with particularly robust lips, and said lips are highly sought after by men looking to have their dicks sucked; I suppose that’s because the bigger the lips the softer the sucking, but you don’t see nearly as many men clamoring to have old ladies and crack heads take out their dentures and give them gummers, but that’s understandable since the latter is visually appealing even if big lips are no indication of oral sex abilities.

Still, you hear men, and women, repeat this phrase because they learned it through common usage… which is exactly why we should avoid it at all costs.

Common usage teaches us all kinds of useless things, like tip your waiter, spay or neuter your children, and don’t wear white shoes after Labor Day, but the truth is that white shoes always looks good, children are a scourge that we need to stop, and people only get tips for exceptional, or special request, service.

I will gladly tip a waiter for jerking me off while I eat my Bloomin’ Onion, but if all they do is bring it to the table and then give me a bill, that fucker ain’t getting shit.

The best thing about common usage is that, if enough people believe it and repeat it, whatever idiocy you’ve cooked up becomes the next best thing to the god’s honest truth: rumor.

The current common usage, concerning illegal Meso and South American immigrants, is that they are necessary to the US economy because they do the jobs that Americans don’t want. We know that because someone did a study and the news media reported that statistic to us; of course, we’re far too busy to read the actual study, so we’re basically relying on the news reports to tell us the truth; however, if the answer sounds like the one we want to hear, then that answer is good enough… that’s what a team of geniuses figured out over at Fox News.

What I don’t understand is how people know that Americans don’t want to perform menial jobs for low pay with no benefits or safety precautions? For the last fourteen years, most states have elected Republican politicians who would like to keep the minimum wage low and excuse employers from providing expensive medical care to people who purposefully mangle themselves on unsafe equipment in the workplace so they can sue their decent and not at all negligent employers; therefore, at least fifty-one percent of the population must want to do the same jobs as illegal immigrants.

We can’t trust the common usage.

Of course, that does beg the question: “Why do patriotic businessmen hire illegal immigrants if there are Americans who want to do those thankless jobs?”

Given that employers are more likely to hire an employee with experience and education, coupled with the American public’s disdain for high fallutin’ elitists, I can only surmise that people have ignored their education for so long, or pursued the wrong kind of education, that most Americans are now too dumb to pull oranges from trees, butcher cattle, or shampoo the semen stains out of hotel bedspreads.

It’s time that public schools stopped teaching all that Shakespeare and calculus hogwash to focus on subjects that will help children reclaim the jobs stolen by immigrants, once those immigrants’ children have become doctors, lawyers, and corrupt politicians.

Most of my readers come from America, so it’s understandable if some of you, by now, are angry that I’ve called you stupid; the rest of you are scratching your sloping, pronounced brows and wondering just how the machine, in front of which you are sitting, can make words and pictures appear without using some kind of magic. Don’t worry, eventually things in America will become bad enough that staying will be worse than leaving, and then we’ll get our chance to be some other country’s down trodden immigrants. It might sound bad now, but it’s actually a lot of fun: people think that listening to your crappy pop music makes them more enlightened, the police keep a close eye on you to make sure you’re safe at all times, and you somehow know where to find all the best drugs.

The best part is that, no matter how thick or thin your lips are now, everyone will think you have seal lips since getting a blowjob from you is exotic.

Sex Mahoney for President

Currently listening to:

Wet Dreams
by Soko
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