Wednesday, October 15, 2008

All the dishes rattle in the cupboard when the elephants arrive - blogathong

This is an entry for the blogathong, which I heard about from Scary Scary Quite Contrary. I don't know many details about it other than people are expected to write a blog a day, Monday to Friday, for the next month. I like that idea. I've been too lazy lately. So, for the next month, expect one blog per day.

Send all complaint letters to sexmahoney@gmail.com.


On the surface, all art seems easy.

Since art involves creation and creativity comes from your imagination, then you don't even have to research anything before embarking on an art project. It's not even hard to make an artistic work, since it's usually a solo endeavor and what you do when you're alone is usually quite fun provided you've remembered to keep some cleanup tissues nearby.

The problems develop when you have to show your artistic creation to the world; that's when people get paranoid about what they've done. Art isn't like a child that everyone will love no matter how ugly, smelly, or stupid it is; people bring their prejudices to the art world, and, when it comes to artistry, everyone is a critic.

When I finished my first novel, my cousin told me that it was wordy, the plot was full of holes, and the whole thing reeked of melodrama, but I didn't expect anything different from an eight year old.

Of course, my art form is of the dying, antiquated variety. As long as the human race keeps chugging along like it does, and with my head buried safely in the sand there's no reason to assume otherwise, soon we'll have no need for the written word, because we'll have devices that can capture images at a hitherto unseen perfection level.

Once upon a time, it was necessary to spend a fortune on camera equipment and chemicals, but now, with digital media, we can reproduce everything perfectly for a fraction of the cost and with the added bonus of keeping all that deadly, delicious developer's agent from lying around where we'll accidentally, experimentally drink it.

Yes, with digital cameras of the still and motion variety now generally available to anyone who can maintain even a minimum wage job, we're all taking prettier pictures and videos.

Which begs the question: "Why the hell is there still such terrible amateur porn scattered all over the internet?"

I'm not talking about love handles, cellulite, and toothlessness, that's to be expected from amateur pornography, I'm talking about the hideous lighting, poor editing, and boring angles that show either a pendulous set of swinging balls or a couple fucking so far in the distance that it's probably easier to see the stage at a Rolling Stones concert from your nosebleed seat atop Mt. Everest.

Art may seem easy, but, if you don't learn the fundamentals of your craft, then there's no difference between your self projects and masturbation. If you folks were more inclined to let people watch you masturbate, or have other people masturbate in front of you, that wouldn't be a problem, but, as my arrest record and numerous restraining orders in greater Okeechobee County will attest, I know that you fuckers don't like to see that sort of thing in public.

Even among those of you who do like masturbating in public, I doubt there are many of you who would go out without first giving yourself a once over with a razor, some glitter, or a rag on a stick; so why is it crazy to assume that the folks who consider themselves amateur photogs and videographers should know a little bit about what they're doing before they turn on the camera and teach their partners what Cleveland Steamer really means?

First and foremost, change the angle from time to time, and don't hold the camera while you're fucking. There's nothing worse than wishing you had a better angle, getting excited when the assless C.H.U.D. grabs the camera en flagrante delicto, and then having to make out what little you can see as the image on screen has an epileptic fit. In a way, it's almost as bad as it was trying to get a glimpse of boob on the Playboy Channel before cable providers came up with better image scrambling technology. Buy a tripod, and, every few minutes, reposition the camera to get a different angle. You can edit it later.

You should also focus on highlighting your assets; that means taking pictures and videos that show off the best you have to offer and cover up the worst. For an example, take a look at many of the lady pictures you see on various social networking sites that only show cleavage. There's no point mucking up a perfectly good picture by showcasing that which makes us stomach-churningly ugly. This is an easy problem to fix, just head down to your local supermarket and ask for a few paper bags. Not only will they hide your blemishes, but they're also safer than plastic and more environmentally friendly.

Most importantly, you have to actually take the pictures of you and your significant other fucking and exposing your nude bodies. One of the worst things about amateur pornography is that not enough people are making it so that you often have to root around your attractive friends' closets, computers, and crawlspaces for years before you find the pictures, video, or, if you're from the older generation, 16 mm footage of them sitting and twirling on a traffic cone.

If you're squeamish about photographing or filming yourself in such a compromising position, then just send me you're address and I'll mail you a free Sex Mahoney Relaxation Shake that is guaranteed to lower your inhibitions and put you in the mood to fuck, or get fucked, on camera. It's chock full of sedatives and date rape drugs.

All you have to do is drink it and fall asleep. I'll take care of the rest.

See, I told you that art was easy.

Sex Mahoney for President


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