Wednesday, October 29, 2008

She'd roam the hallways half asleep - blogathong

This is an entry for the blogathong, which I heard about from Scary Scary Quite Contrary. I don't know many details about it other than people are expected to write a blog a day, Monday to Friday, for the next 15 days. I like that idea. I've been too lazy lately.

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On my way to work, people look at me like I’m a psychopath.

To be fair, they do that most of the time in Korea; to a society that is 98% racially homogenous, a blue-eyed honky is as bizarre as if you saw Elvis strolling down 5th Avenue with Adolph Hitler and Tupac Shakur; however, the reason that, at this time of the year, they’re staring with particular bewilderment is that I’m dressed in a t-shirt.

Everyone else is wearing heavy coats.

I even saw two women who wore scarves and gloves.

For the last week, the outside, afternoon temperature has been holding at a steady sixteen degrees, which, for you folks in the Fahrenheit part of the world is about sixty.

Sometimes, that is a little cold, but once you start moving around it’s actually quite pleasant; plus, after suffering through a long, hot summer, I need some cool down time and I’m not going to spoil all the perfect, chilly weather by wearing a jacket.

Today is one of those beautiful fall days that kicks summer square in the ass.

Well, not completely in the ass, but enough of an ass kicking that you can tell summer is beaten, even though it’s still got enough strength to get in a few more good punches, it’s only a matter of time before summer goes slinking back to the hot, humid depths from whence it came.

And it can take its sun with it. Oh, how I can’t stand the sun. For the last several years, the windows of every home in which I’ve lived have been blacked out to prevent it from bothering me.

My dream is to one day own a house in both the Northern and Southern Hemisphere so I can go from fall to winter and then back to fall again, and never experience another summer… ever.

Cool fall weather is the highlight of my year.

I like watching things fall apart, that’s why I’m so excited to get back to America.

Every new news story I read about America makes it sound as if fire and brimstone is ready to fall from the sky. I mean, things sound absolutely awful there. The last I heard, there were evil grandmothers kicking puppies into the streets and the sky was literally falling… a little chicken told me.

The real question is whether or not the US will collapse; it has to happen eventually, Newton’s first law is that whatever goes up must come down, or something like that. America was once on top, someday it will be on the bottom. You can’t get to the top without signing a contract that you agree, at some point, to be on the bottom. It’s only fair. That’s why you fellas should never pressure your girlfriends into anal sex unless you’re willing to let them fist you in the ass as well, and you ladies, don’t expect a man to lick your pussy unless you occasionally give in to his demands to let one of his friends videotape you having sex with a black guy. Quid pro quo.

The mistake that America, and most people, make is that in prosperous times, they tend to be quite liberal with entitlements and handouts, but, during difficult times, quite conservative with the same.

As America gets ready to elect a new president, we need to rethink that behavior pattern, because it really is, for lack of a better term, quite stupid.

When times are tough, that’s when it pays to be liberal, because things are already going badly, so the only harm in trying something new is that nothing will get better or things will get a whole lot worse; either way, you don’t have as much to lose. If your significant other complains that you are sexually inadequate, don’t keep humping away like you have been, go out and buy yourself something big that vibrates; they’ll thank you for it in the long run.

When things go well, that’s the time to be conservative, because good times never last, and you never know when you’re going to need all that largesse you’ve been so cavalier about showing off. If you’re giving your lover mind blowing orgasms with the your old moves and technique, don’t go shaking things up by breaking out that thing your Uncle Ronald taught you behind the shed at a family reunion when you were eight years old, save that for when you need it.

As best I can tell, things seem to be shitty in America right now; so, we’ve got to start acting more liberal in what we are and are not willing to do; it’s the only way we’re going to keep our country strong enough to continue acting like the assholes that we are.

From now on, let’s all wear fish hats. Get yourself a big, old salmon or tuna, cut a hole right down its belly, and wear it on your head all day long. I’m not exactly sure what that would accomplish, but it would be damn funny to see.

Perhaps the most novel of all new ideas would be to elect a third party candidate for president; you know someone who isn’t beholden to the exact same donors, for the exact same amount of money as the Republicans and Democrats. It pains me to see people arguing over Barack Obama and John McCain when the only real difference between the two is that McCain takes his anal sex with a side of sadism, while Barack Obama likes to rub his ass in chocolate cake while he tosses salad.

The previous joke brings me to my next point; for a change, let’s not treat the candidate we arbitrarily choose based on emotion or party affiliation with the kind of free ride that we usually reserve for a close relative who invites themselves into your home, borrows a ton of money, and teaches your children what words like rim job and fisting mean. Political candidates couldn’t give a shit about you or your family, which is why they only mix in with the regular folks surrounded by security. Until you see a politician turn down secret service protection, don’t expect them to do much for you or your babies; in fact, stop letting them touch your babies all together. If they want to politicize infants, they can fuck their frigid wives and make their own.

The current system isn’t dead yet, but it’s sinking and it’s only a matter of time before the whole damn thing falls apart. The trick is recognizing when the tide turns and, like those wise rats, flee the sucker before it drags you down. Republicans and Democrats may have a few more tricks up their sleeve, but the old way of doing business just hit the mother of all icebergs and, if you listen closely, you can faintly hear a string quartet playing “Nearer My God to Thee.”

Now that America is collectively being flushed down the world’s largest shitter, it’s time for all of us, Americans that is, to pull together and do something more liberal than anything we’ve ever done before by voting for a third party candidate. There are a few good ones out there, but you all know my position on this issue…

Sex Mahoney for President

Currently listening to:

Keasby Nights
by Streetlight Manifesto
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