Tuesday, October 14, 2008

That motherfucker he took everything we had


I used to brush my teeth before visiting the dentist.

I’ve met few people in my life who brush their teeth the ADA recommended five times a day, and I am no exception. Like the lackadaisical approach I take to most other forms of personal hygiene, I brush my teeth the minimum number of times it takes for my breath to smell no worse than the average pile of horse manure.

On one hand, I worry about my teeth, but I’m not that concerned because I have a whole lot of them and you really only need two, one to chomp into tin cans, and one to show off to the ladies; once my teeth start falling out, then I’ll go back to the dentist.

Don’t ask me why I brushed my teeth before going to the dentist; a cleaning is part of a regular dental checkup. Doing something for free right before you pay someone else to do it for you is the height of stupidity. The only time I can think of such a strategy working out in your favor is masturbating several times before engaging the services of a prostitute who charges by the orgasm. Looking back, I feel like my efforts to mask my lax tooth brushing were similar to those people who clean their houses before the maid arrives.

In other words, I was self-conscious about my teeth and I didn’t want the dentist to think that I was some kind of a bum.

These days, I’m a little angrier with teeth doctors, so I’d probably eat an entire bulb of garlic and a big bag of Cheetos before going to get my teeth cleaned.

It just doesn’t make any sense. You wouldn’t wash your face and hands before getting in the shower, just as you wouldn’t give yourself an enema right before appearing in a scene for scat porn, so why brush your teeth before going to the dentist unless you think you’ve got something to hide.

We all have something to hide.

Humanity’s universal condition includes hating all the things about other people that you hate about yourself, and there’s no better way to look down your nose at your fellow man than by inventing an unattainable living standard and doing your best to hide how little you fulfill that role.

That’s why so many conservative religious leaders and politicians are adamantly anti-gay and anti-abortion, because they know all too well that, given the opportunity, they’d suck every cock and abort every fetus on which they could get their lips or curettes.

The saddest reality is that there’s no shame in living below the ideal, because everyone does it, so it makes no sense to ostracize and malign the people who openly admit to it while protecting and reinforcing those who hide well. We’re supposed to be in this together, and if we’re not, then the first race of aliens that comes along is going to do to this planet what we would do to theirs if we got there first.

Besides, when you have an ideal behavioral standard to which you expect everyone to adhere, then society’s ultimate goal is homogenization and stagnation; however, if we celebrate people for their flaws then there’s no limit to the number of interesting people we can meet.

No longer will closeted chronic masturbators have to frequently buy new pants; they can wear their stains with pride. Politicians will no longer need to pretend that the dead hookers in their car trunks were put there by friends because prostitutes will be free to kill politicians with impunity seeing as how people in useless professions have no intrinsic value in society.

I have a problematic relationship with authority. On the one hand, I feel like anyone who tells me to do something has a motive for their actions which may or may not act in my best interest; therefore, no matter who issues the directive or sets the standard, I feel the need to oppose it until such time that it is proven beneficial. On the other hand, society has beaten its bizarre sycophantism into my head so that I’m only two pats on the head away from wholeheartedly wishing to please every kind authoritarian that I can find. In some cases, this is useful, like when I refused to get into that stranger’s car no matter how much candy he offered me; at other times, I’ve really lost out, because I end up being left out when the authorities get to do the really fun things that they love to do, and do so well, like getting away with vicious rapes because they play golf with the judge and the victim was a minority.

That’s why we should all do our best to avoid any kind of authority. We should make every decision with enough plausible deniability that no one can ever take us to task for our actions and so that we never hold enough power to do any real good or any severe damage.

Just like the government does now.

Sex Mahoney for President


Currently listening to:

Somewhere in the Between
by Streetlight Manifesto
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