Wednesday, October 22, 2008

We are not two we are one

This is an entry for the blogathong, which I heard about from Scary Scary Quite Contrary. I don't know many details about it other than people are expected to write a blog a day, Monday to Friday, for the next 19 days. I like that idea. I've been too lazy lately.

Send all complaint letters to

People believe some of straight-up stupid shit.

If it’s not alien abductions or Cosmopolitan magazine’s ability to improve your love life, then it’s that there are more important things in life than eating, breathing and fucking.

Aside from those three things, everything else is secondary.

If it wasn’t true, then baby boys wouldn’t get erections and baby girls wouldn’t learn how to slide down the banister before they learn to drink from a sippy cup.

Now fucking and breathing we can do on our own; sure, it’s nice if we have some help, say from a few extra set of genitals or an iron lung, but most of us will spend more time diddling ourselves than we will being diddled.

Eating is the only necessary activity for which we need other people.

Some of us are self-sustaining in that we live on farms, grow all our own food, and marry ourselves, but, for the most part, we’re stuck in this boat together and we depend on each other for food.

If nothing else in our society, it is food that holds us together.

Familial bonds may be strong, but I don’t know a human being alive who wouldn’t turn on their parents, or children, if food became scarce; hell, it’s a good thing that human meat tastes like breakfast at Denny’s or we would have started farming ourselves long ago.

Korean people place huge cultural importance on their food so much so that the country has a national dish that everyone eats at every meal (if you’ve never had kimchi, it’s disgusting, but it grows on you and now I eat it on everything, when I’m back in America I miss it terribly, especially my kimchi ice cream); I would like to do the same thing in America, but there’s only so much apple pie I can eat in a day.

I can’t figure out why Koreans are so proud of their traditional food. Most of their dishes contain spicy red peppers, which weren’t even introduced to the country until relatively recently and the same peppers provide the flavoring for thirty-three percent of Korean food. There is not much variety in the Far East; I’ve sampled almost every dish on the Korean menu and the only flavors I can discern are spicy and salty, sour and salty, and salty and salty. I have never seen such a high sodium diet in my life; if you think Americans eat a lot of bacon, each of Korea’s fifty million plus citizens consumes an entire pig every day.

As an immigrant in a foreign country, I am cut off from my people’s food and that is the greatest source of culture shock I experience out here. I do miss my family, and it would be nice to see them every now and again, but I’d gladly go another whole year without them if I could just get my hands on one decent hamburger.

Now, I know that many of you think a hamburger is a hamburger is a hamburger, and you’re mostly right, but a good one is harder to find in the international market than I’d like; however, there’s a good chance that, no matter where you are in America, you can get your hands on a pretty decent burger; unfortunately, there are many regional foods that don’t travel as well; when you couple that with most Americans’ travel reticence, then you end up with a whole host of people who are missing out on a whole host of deliciousness.

I admit that there are not many good reasons to travel: it’s expensive, people speak in strange languages and dialects, you can, at a much lower price, steal other people’s vacation pictures from photobucket and digitally insert yourself, and it’s damn near impossible to find a voltage converter for your old, wall-plug powered vibrator.

At the end of the day, there is only one reason, and one reason alone to leave your comfort zone and go abroad and that is the food.

Nothing breaks my heart more than knowing that people who have never been to the New York/New Jersey area have never eaten a decent bagel or pizza pie.

For the best fries in the world, go to Brussels.

Eat the old cheese in Copenhagen.

Try okonomiyaki in Osaka.

I’m sorry if the jokes are a little slim in this selection, but food is a subject about which I am dead serious at least three percent of the time, and, for the last few months, I have though about nothing else but going back to America and eating myself silly. I don’t care about politics as much as I do about food, so fuck you with your abortion and gay marriage debates; let dead fetuses marry all the homosexuals they want, just don’t delay my gluttonous consumption for even a minute or I will fuck you so hard that you will never need another d&c.

So get off your duffer and get out there before it’s too late, or you’ll never know how a Thai hooker’s asshole tastes.

And, no matter what you’ve heard, drink the water; it’s an interesting experience.

Sex Mahoney for President

Currently listening to:

Lola vs Powerman and the Moneygoround, Pt 1
by The Kinks
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