Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Send me all your money so that I can get elected

This is an entry for the blogathong, which I heard about from Scary Scary Quite Contrary. I don't know many details about it other than people are expected to write a blog a day, Monday to Friday, for the next 11 days. I like that idea. I've been too lazy lately.

Send all complaint letters to sexmahoney@gmail.com.

Whenever I am in a public bathroom stall, and someone shits next to me, I always cheer for them.

Every time I hear a bubbling rip and a solid plop, I shout out “Woo Hoo” or “Keep ‘em coming.”

It’s just my way of being anonymously supportive.

I do the same thing when I go into a voting booth.

In New Jersey, we don’t have those pussy booths with a curtain that only covers you from the waist up, no, no; our state can afford floor length curtains for its citizens’ voting privacy, which is why I take the opportunity to take a dump in the booth and cheer on the person in the next one over to do the same.

As a misdemeanor criminal, I can get away with such infractions and still maintain my voting rights.

For all you convicted felons out there, my heart bleeds for you, it does. You’re in my non-existent prayers.

Why can’t convicted felons vote? They can provide slave labor for the federal government, states, and municipalities all over the US, so why disenfranchise them just because they can’t keep their hands off children’s genitalia or like to smoke marijuana? The whole thing doesn’t make any sense.

In fact, there’s a lot about America that doesn’t make any sense; so, to clarify the many ways in which I would fix the country, and to convince you why, on Election Day, otherwise known as today, you should go into your local polling place and vote for me, Sex Mahoney, for President.

For starters, I take a crap inside the voting booth; that should be enough to convince you right there. If everyone shit in the voting booth, only the hardest of hardcore patriots and fecophiliacs would vote. Sure, we might end up with President Two Girls One Cup, but it would prevent Jenna Bush from ever becoming president.

The second order of business is to legalize pot, because you’re going to need to be good and stoned for what comes next.

National Do What You Hate Day

Part of the American public’s problem is their insulation from things they don’t understand; to rectify this problem, once a year, on an unimportant holiday like Veteran’s Day or Christmas, everyone has to spend the day doing something they despise. Now, this is a system that has a high potential for abuse, because a bunch of smart-alecks will say that they hate being slapped in the face with giant breasts; so, to combat such abuses, we’ll subject everyone to my other favorite day, National Torture Day, where Americans will be hooked up to a fear-o-meter and water-boarded until they admit what they loathe; as an added bonus, it will be fun to show people how non-invasive and pleasurable it is to be water-boarded and why we can’t pussy out on the terrorists whom we have locked up in secret prisons around the world just because some liberal elitists think the phrase cruel and unusual means something other than what happens to your bowels after eating a fancy, foreign dinner at The Olive Garden.

That’s enough about the rewards I’m going to give the American people, what about my policy initiatives?

I’m glad I asked myself that question, because my fourth order of business would be to release everyone from prison and issue an executive do-over. The legal code would then be changed to make everything punishable not by jail, but by actuarial table. If you commit a crime, an claims adjuster affixes a cost estimate based on what an insurance company would have to pay to cover any losses incurred. I see no reason why Mutual of Omaha should only have to pay a few hundred thousand dollars to the grieving mother of a murdered child, when the father should have to rot in jail for the rest of his life after accidentally beating the kid to death with a ball-peen hammer. Instead, the criminal would go on living their life as normal, only the state or federal government, depending on where the crime was committed, would garnish the offender’s wages so that they received the minimum wage until they paid off the offence. That’s good justice.

I know that many of you are worried about the rising cost of healthcare in the US; which is why I would set a federally mandated price on all medical text-books. Any sick people are free to do their own research on what is killing them; if they can fix it themselves, more power to them, if they can’t… well, the US is a religious country, no matter how much I wish it wasn’t; therefore, if you’re dying of a disease, it’s because your God wants you dead. Bring all your complaints to your deity.

Abortion would be mandatory. If you want children so badly, then adopt one. If the adoption agency tells you that you’re not an ideal candidate, then maybe that’s a sign you’d make a lousy parent. If you feel that I’ve improperly judged your parenting skills without ever having met you, just remember that everyone else thinks you’re an asshole, too.

Speaking of children, under my administration, they’ll be allowed to vote until their parents, and childless adults, can prove that they are, in some way, smarter than a fifth grader by being able to hit delete on any email whose subject line stars with FW: and ends with an unverifiable claim, written by an anonymous source in all caps, about how one candidate is a secret Muslim or that the other candidate once felt up a woman in a Mickey Mouse costume while getting a free colonoscopy at Disney Land.

Finally, presidential debates would be conducted like Jeopardy, where the candidate would have a set amount of time to speak, followed by a few seconds of independent fact checking and a buzzer that indicates a correct, or incorrect, statement; only, unlike jeopardy, if they’re wrong, we’ll administer small electric shocks to their children. If the candidate is childless, we’ll use one of their parents. If the candidate’s parents are dead, then we’ll make them do the whole thing in the nude and shoot them with a human feces cannon.

We’ll have to do something with all that leftover voting booth crap.

Sex Mahoney for President

Currently listening to:

Fleeting Days
by Dan Bern

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