Thursday, November 13, 2008

We're born with ten fingers so we count up to ten

This is an entry for the blogathong, which I heard about from Scary Scary Quite Contrary. I don't know many details about it other than people are expected to write a blog a day, Monday to Friday, for the next 4 days. I like that idea. I've been too lazy lately.

Send all complaint letters to

Most teachers spend their entire lives in school.

The rest of you get to go on and do whatever it is that people do outside of schools; I wouldn’t know… I’ve been a teacher ever since I left school.

Sure, I’ve had jobs outside the teaching profession, but that was while I attended school so it doesn’t really count.

Being a teacher isn’t so bad.

I have a friend who swears he would never teach, because he sees it as admitting defeat, but teaching is, for the most part, a pretty sweet gig: you don’t have to do any real work; unless you work in a high school, you can easily hurl any of your students clear across the room; and there’s plenty of time off in the summer.

Not to mention that teaching is fun.

There’s no words I can use to describe how it feels to watch a child’s face when they realize that they have no future, they’re most likely going to impregnate someone who will grow to hate them, and that only one in a few hundred thousand of their classmates will go on to be successful.

Sometimes I feel bad for students, being arbitrarily punished for things that, in the long run, don’t matter at all, but you could say the same thing about a large number of people currently rotting in jail. Even for the worst criminals in the world, punishing them won’t change anything seeing as how human beings are far too short sighted to ever get it together and fly off this dying rock before we poison it for good or the sun explodes and kills us all.

We’re all doomed.

Still, I arbitrarily punish students all the time, making them move to different seats, mostly. I don’t like the kind of punishments where they have to perform other tasks. My current favorite is to make them stand up, arms straight out from their shoulders, and hold five pound books in each hand.

What? They were looking at me funny.

I hear it said all the time that American schools are garbage and that kids aren’t learning anything; that’s probably true, in regards to academic subjects - most of the people I know couldn’t quote a line from Shakespeare or figure out the length of a right triangle’s opposite side if they knew the length of the hypotenuse and all the corners’ angles – however, children these days are much smarter than the children with whom I grew up, because they know all sorts of things that it took years for my friends and I to discover.

The world is different now that everyone has the internet.

Those disgusting acts, about which you and your friends would pontificate ad infinitum, are now freely available all over the internet for anyone smart enough to disable an internet search filter to see. My students may not know how to diagram a sentence, but they know what it looks like when a chick gets plowed by a donkey.

And isn’t that the more important thing to learn?

The whole reason children go to school is not to learn anything; the first thing they do when you go someplace new is teach you all new stuff anyway; when you get to school, they teach you to disregard all the drivel your idiot parents stuffed into your toddler skull; when you get to university they tell you to forget everything you learned in high school; and when you get a job in the real world, they tell you to forget all that useless crap you learned in college and learn how to make pretty PowerPoint presentations; no, the reason children go to school is to learn how to interact and socialize with their fellow hairless apes, which makes it so much funnier that the cause of most adult’s anxiety and personality disorders were developed because of the razzing they took in school.

All the important things that children used to learn from their friends can now be seen on the internet; so, the real question is “What is our children learning in school?”

Maybe kids really aren’t learning anything anymore. Instances of child abuse seem much more common now than they were twenty years ago; perhaps kids are getting dumber and falling for more pedophiles’ tricks, or maybe kids are much smarter these days and instead of staying quiet about it for thirty years, they’re tattling on the touchers right away.

I may be too close to the problem to tell. All I know is that teaching is, of all the jobs I’ve had, the one that pays the most for doing the least. Well… that’s not entirely true, I probably did less as a security guard, but I didn’t get to yell at children as much.

If you’re thinking about a career change, I recommend teaching. It’s a solid gig. Unfortunately, because administrators of all types, whether they work in the private sector or the public, have become so enamored by PowerPoint that they’re insisting teachers use it as well.

I once worked for a school that didn’t want teachers to show movies because they thought it was a waste of students’ time, but they pushed everyone to make all their lectures into PowerPoint presentations.

I guess they wanted to make sure that there weren’t any lights on to disturb the students who would rather take a nap during class.

Especially in high school; those kids have been up late researching donkey porn on the internet, what kind of a monster would I be if I kept them awake?

Sex Mahoney for President

Currently listening to:

The Swastika EP
by Dan Bern

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