Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Everyone is so kind

Send all complaint letters to sexmahoney@gmail.com.

Sometimes it’s hard being as smart as we are… at least while we’re living amongst so many idiots.

If only everyone would realize the things we know are true, the world would be a much simpler place. That’s the conventional wisdom anyway, and who are we to say that the conventions are wrong?

Except that things don’t really work that way, because most of us already believe the same things that everyone else believes, but for a few, slight variations. The true innovators, or monsters, are the ones who take in the same external stimuli as us and see it in a completely new way.

That’s why I don’t understand how people can be so intelligent, and yet completely revolted by shit.

Shit is everywhere.

There’s a pretty good chance that the mouse on which your hand is currently resting has at least some fecal matter on it.

Right now, there’s some shit resting in your intestines, just waiting for you to crap it out.

Most likely, you shit at least once a day, you might own a pet, whose feces you regularly have to clean, and nothing goes down smoother on a summer evening that a cookies and shit smoothie; so, why all the fecal revulsion?

Not too long ago, there was a video circulating on the internet called Two Girls, One Cup, which, if you’ve never seen it, features two women shitting into a cup, eating it, and then vomiting into each other’s mouths. The video is not long, but they manage to eat a good amount of shit and vomit in that time. It’s standard scat porno.

If you’ve never seen two people shit all over each other, and you’ve got nothing else to do during lunch today, check it out.

Most people seem revolted by this sort of thing and they’re not even exposed to shit, but just the sight, and thought, of shit is enough to make them toss their cookies.

We’re horrified of our shit, even going so far as to close the bathroom door when there are people around who might possibly see you shit; most people won’t shit in public toilets, and yet, we’re proud of our children.

There’s not much different between your daily deposits and your children, except that your children continue to get bigger over time while your feces will slowly get smaller and smaller as it dries out. In terms of out and out physical beauty a big turd is just about as attractive as a brand new baby; especially if the specimens you’re comparing come from a person who’s been eating lots of cotton candy and the baby was squeezed out of an exceptionally small birth canal.

The sad thing is that you can’t flush a baby down a toilet like you can a turd; at least, not without cutting it up into little pieces or smashing it flat with a hammer; either way, you’re bound to attract quite a bit of negative attention.

My point is that they’re both natural functions of the human body but only one of them is wrapped in swaddling clothes and paraded around like a trophy while the other is carelessly discarded into some dank sewer where it will be processed into USDA Grade F beef and shipped to your local McDonald’s.

Baby burgers aside, we can’t choose one aspect of our physical nature to revere and one to fear, everything that comes out of us is a part of us, so elevating one and scorning the other creates the hypocrisy that causes most of the problems in this world. I’m not suggesting that you put diapers on your doodies, stroke their hairs, and take pictures of them to show your friends at work, but you shouldn’t be so revolted at the sight of them that you immediately vomit.

Until we learn to love all the things that make us filthy, disgusting degenerates, then we’ll never be able to achieve the things we like to believe about ourselves; namely, that we’re good, decent people who wouldn’t stab our closest friends in the back for a few extra dollars or a moon pie.

Not only must we recognize our own faults but also the faults of those entities that are our logical extensions: our parents, our spouses, our families, our countries, and our orthodontists. When we can look at the underside of a rock and still love the beauty and shape of the top despite the worms, potato bugs, and dirt on it’s bottom, only then will we know the true meaning of love; although, if you’re the kind of person who loves rocks, I recommend using a lot of heavy lubricant as geological fornication tends to chafe.

It’s not a matter of all of us being in the gutter and some of us looking at the stars, we’re in both halves at all times, only the stars tend to get the good press and the gutter has all the fun nocturnal activities.

So embrace your ignorance when it comes and enjoy the moments of genius when you have them because most of the time we’re both which cancel each other out and makes us neither.

And don’t worry so much about the people around you if they’re too stupid to understand, we’ll get it sooner or later.

Sex Mahoney for President

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by Three Dog Night
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