Wednesday, January 21, 2009

We're digging in the sand

Send all complaint letters to

Always be on time to meet people you respect.

People you don’t respect… well, fuck them, you can show up for meetings with them as late as you want, that’s why your boss schedules you for one o’clock, but makes you sit with his administrative assistant for twenty minutes while he checks his stock quotes and rubs out a quick one. It’s also the reason why your doctor keeps you waiting.

Your boss, well, that’s understandable; there’s a decent chance you have no marketable skills and the company that pays your salary does you a favor when they bestow whatever pittance keeps your family from starving on the streets.

Your doctor is just a douche bag, that’s one of the requirements for medical school.

Before you go out and enroll in your local university with dreams of keeping people waiting in disease ridden rooms, remember that not everyone can do what your doctor does and not everyone is suited to work in the medical profession. Anybody, including a semi-sentient puddle of lukewarm vomit, could replace your boss and no one would know the difference, a fact over which you’ve often masturbated, but your doctor can be a douche because he or she sometimes provides a valuable service… sometimes.

There are a lot of doctors out there who assume that, just because they put on a white coat it suddenly makes them some kind of hero who automatically deserves respect, but you can’t grab respect with a one time action and expect it to last forever. Just like anything else, people must constantly prove that they deserve respect by making wise, selfless actions; otherwise, you end up in the same boat as my attractive cousin every time she forgets I’m an unscrupulous scumbag and lets me take nude pictures of her while she’s unconscious.

You can tell how much a person respects you by seeing how much of your advice they take to heart. Most of us obviously don’t respect our doctors; otherwise we would have stopped smoking and licking Ebola virus lab cultures a long time ago. Most of our friends obviously don’t respect us because they don’t listen to a word we have to say about the best way to introduce their teenage daughters to sexual intercourse.

Generally, we respect people who seem confident or who are willing to tell us the things we want to hear because we almost always take their advice, which, coincidentally, is exactly what we already decided to do when we asked them for their opinions.

Politicians don’t respect us.

Why would they?

The more a person lies to you, the less they respect you and the more ludicrous the lie, the more you can be certain they have nothing but disdain for you. Sure, there are times when we lie to people we respect to make ourselves sound more important than we really are, like when you told that girl in a bar that you hung out with Steve Tyler when you actually broke into Steve Perry’s house because you didn’t know the difference between Journey and Aerosmith.

It’s true that politicians will occasionally lie to make themselves appear big, but most of the time they lie because they want people to trust them; the same reason you had for lying to that nice man, who now has to go from door to door and tell everyone he’s a pederast every time the local vigilantes chase him out of the neighborhood, because you told him you were 18.

Just as you didn’t respect that seemingly nice older gentleman, whose balls sagged down to his knees, politicians do not respect you.

If they did, they would take your advice more often. We have accurate gauges to determine people’s opinions on everything from their favorite flavor of salad dressing to the appropriate course of action to take with Iran, but, as the former president and every single member of congress have so forcefully shown us, your opinion doesn’t matter; otherwise, weed would be legal and the war in Iraq would have ended on the deck of an aircraft carrier.

Politicians don’t respect you because they lie to you constantly, but depend on your votes to achieve and maintain their positions; it’s the same relationship you have with your boss, only, your boss can fire you for minor infractions like showing up late or stealing office supplies by the millions.

There’s nothing more galling than respecting people to whom you owe respect for no other reason than their position.

Of course, this isn’t any new information. Everybody knows that politicians lie and that they don’t give a lick about the public, but there are still folks out there willing to commit their time and energy to politics no matter how many times they peer behind the curtain and see Frank Morgan pulling a bunch of levers and spinning a great, big wheel.

I understand that there’s a lot of time between now and when you’ll die, so do something more resourceful with your time and campaign against politicians. Instead of putting up signs, handing out buttons, and acting like grownup cheerleaders, spend that time researching all the times these jackaninnies have lied to the American people, and then tell everyone you know the truth about what’s behind the curtain.

If things go on the way they have, your foolish antics and pointless blather is going to make me sick, and I’m tired of waiting around the doctor’s office.

Sex Mahoney for President

Currently listening to:

Ganging Up on the Sun
by Guster

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