Thursday, September 29, 2011

Fishtitution


Jensen Farms, Listeria, Cantaloupe: Outbreak in America

Remember the big ground turkey meat recall last summer?

It was caused by a company called Cargill, Incorporated.

Thirty-six million pounds of Turkey were recalled due to suspected Salmonella contamination. One person died.

Right now, there is a massive outbreak of Listeria caused by contaminated cantaloupes.

They were grown at Jensen Farms in Fort Morgan, Colorado.

Jensen Farms Inc, Fort Morgan, Lane Street, Colorado 
You know what company has a large meat processing facility in Fort Morgan, Colorado?

If you guessed Cargill, then you would be absolutely correct.

Cargill Meat Solutions, East Burlington Avenue, Fort Morgan, CO
Cargill Meat Solutions is listed on Google Maps as a "Butcher Shop" however, upon closer inspection, it appears to be a factory.

Close-up of Cargill Meat Solutions, East Burlington Avenue, Fort Morgan, CO
Listeria is a disease not often found in fruits. In an article from The Guardian:


Listeria outbreak expected to cause more deaths across US in coming weeks


...Listeria bacteria grow in moist, muddy conditions and often are carried by animals.
The health officials said this is the first known outbreak of listeria in cantaloupe. Listeria generally is found in processed meats and unpasteurised milk and cheese, although there have been a growing number of outbreaks in produce. Hamburg called the outbreak a surprise and said the agencies were studying it closely to find out how it happened.

It would be irresponsible to say that there is any link between Cargill and the cantaloupes. Having said that, there are no other meat factories in Fort Morgan.

An investigation will eventually uncover the source.

For Cargill's sake, I hope they had nothing to do with this. However, this being the United States, whoever the culprit, they will be sure to face swift justice in the form of a large fine, that gets tied up in court for years and then eventually just goes away.

The government is very good at doing a number of things, one of them being tracing food contamination and preventing widespread public poisonings.

In the meantime, don't eat the melons.


Besides. Honeydew is the money melon.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Pond's Extreme Cold Cream


Ten Great South Korean Commericials


Advertising assumes a high level of cultural knowledge from its audience. Korea is so cut off from the rest of the world that it’s gone insane. When the two collide, hilarity is born. From sexy boilers to lascivious chips, see ten great commercials from South Korea.


1. Korean Children Are Adorable

Maybe all children are as tiny as Korean children, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It makes them cute well into their teens. It also means they can easily punch people in the nuts, which, it turns out, is a favorite pasttime of Korean children.


2. Hot and Spishi


From what I can gather, this ad shows a potato getting a stiffy, and inseminating a whirling-blade, plastic bag vagina of death.




3. It Heats Your Water


I've seen this happen at aluminium strip clubs.


4. You Are Not Ready


As creepy as this advertisement is, I do admire it's owning up to the creepy weirdness of excessive online video game play.


5. Alcohol Induced Attraction

While on a bender, it is possible to drink yourself sober if enough alcohol is quickly consumed. This is often followed by uncontrollable vomitting.




6. Dance Bah


This is the most accurate representation of an ice cream bar's ability to generate enthusiasm I have ever seen.


7. Banana Milk


The Korean word for milk is 우유 (or uyu), which would make for much better rhymes about wholesome things like milk than the word milk itself. All the licentiousness in rap music and off Broadway puppet shows can be traced to this disappointing reality.


8. Kimchi Fried Chicken


We take two sourdough buns, toast them in an oven, top it with hearty chicken strips and two soggy pieces of salty pickled cabbage. It's the taste your kids will die for. (This just sounds bad, it's actually quite delicious.)


9. Sucker


Using sexual innuendo to mislead your audience is the best visual advertising technique since two guys yelling at each other about long distance rates.


10. Flower Head


Male flowers are such dogwoods. They only  think with their stamens.

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