Sex Mahoney for President

Women and Men—A Little Respect

2012-01-26T13:00:00.000-05:00

Murder on the Line—The Creeping Horror

2012-01-24T13:00:00.000-05:00

Cat Lap

2012-01-17T13:00:00.000-05:00

Fecalopolis

2012-01-12T13:00:00.000-05:00

Hard Boiled—The Long Arm of the Claw

2012-01-10T13:00:00.000-05:00

Strippers With Daddy Issues

2012-01-05T13:25:00.000-05:00

It's Hard to be a Saint on your Birthday

2012-01-03T13:15:00.000-05:00

New Year's Beatings

2011-12-31T13:00:00.000-05:00

Sweet Child Abuse o' Mine

2011-12-30T13:00:00.000-05:00

Post-Holiday Debriefing

2011-12-27T13:00:00.000-05:00

Rooftop Bob's Reindeer Waste Removal and VCR Repair

2011-12-25T20:00:00.000-05:00

Doodlin' Around the Christmas Tree

2011-12-25T13:00:00.000-05:00

Love Divided By Zero—Unrecognized Function

2011-12-23T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Secret of My Sucksess

2011-12-20T13:00:00.000-05:00

Wedding Bell Blues

2011-12-15T13:00:00.000-05:00

HypoKKKrisy

2011-12-13T13:00:00.000-05:00

59th Street Bridge Snail

2011-12-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

Confirmation Bias on the Far Side

2011-12-06T13:00:00.000-05:00

Wisdom of the Ancients

2011-12-01T13:00:00.000-05:00

Teaching the Controversy—Inherit the Weariness

2011-11-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

Thanksgivicide

2011-11-24T13:00:00.000-05:00

Down in the Dumps

2011-11-22T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Perfect Sisterhood of the Traveling Storm Pants

2011-11-17T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Perils of Youth

2011-11-15T13:00:00.000-05:00

Occupy Wall Street Protesters Forcefully Removed from Zuccotti Park

2011-11-15T06:13:00.000-05:00

Cue Ball

2011-11-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

Manners

2011-11-02T13:00:00.000-04:00

Graveyard Shift

2011-10-31T16:37:00.000-04:00

True Twilight

2011-10-27T13:00:00.000-04:00

Halloween Candy Safety Patrol

2011-10-25T13:00:00.000-04:00

Pumpkin Horror

2011-10-21T13:00:00.000-04:00

Mitt Romney, Rick Perry—Republican Debate VI: The Debatening

2011-10-19T23:59:00.000-04:00

Curiosity Sucks

2011-10-18T13:00:00.000-04:00

Eat Me: Death and Decomposition

2011-10-15T04:08:00.001-04:00

Republican Debate V—The Empire Strikes Newt

2011-10-12T13:00:00.000-04:00

Steve Jobs: A Space Applessey

2011-10-06T13:00:00.000-04:00

Arrested Development: A Reason to Live

2011-10-04T13:00:00.000-04:00

Founding F@#kers—Turkey: The National Bird or Ben Franklin, America's First Troll

2011-09-30T15:30:00.000-04:00

Fishtitution

2011-09-29T13:00:00.000-04:00

Jensen Farms, Listeria, Cantaloupe: Outbreak in America

2011-09-29T09:00:00.000-04:00

Remember the big ground turkey meat recall last summer?

It was caused by a company called Cargill, Incorporated.

Thirty-six million pounds of Turkey were recalled due to suspected Salmonella contamination. One person died.

Right now, there is a massive outbreak of Listeria caused by contaminated cantaloupes.

They were grown at Jensen Farms in Fort Morgan, Colorado.

Jensen Farms Inc, Fort Morgan, Lane Street, Colorado

You know what company has a large meat processing facility in Fort Morgan, Colorado?

If you guessed Cargill, then you would be absolutely correct.

Cargill Meat Solutions, East Burlington Avenue, Fort Morgan, CO

Cargill Meat Solutions is listed on Google Maps as a "Butcher Shop" however, upon closer inspection, it appears to be a factory.

Close-up of Cargill Meat Solutions, East Burlington Avenue, Fort Morgan, CO

Listeria is a disease not often found in fruits. In an article from The Guardian:

Listeria outbreak expected to cause more deaths across US in coming weeks

...Listeria bacteria grow in moist, muddy conditions and often are carried by animals.

The health officials said this is the first known outbreak of listeria in cantaloupe. Listeria generally is found in processed meats and unpasteurised milk and cheese, although there have been a growing number of outbreaks in produce. Hamburg called the outbreak a surprise and said the agencies were studying it closely to find out how it happened.

It would be irresponsible to say that there is any link between Cargill and the cantaloupes. Having said that, there are no other meat factories in Fort Morgan.

An investigation will eventually uncover the source.

For Cargill's sake, I hope they had nothing to do with this. However, this being the United States, whoever the culprit, they will be sure to face swift justice in the form of a large fine, that gets tied up in court for years and then eventually just goes away.

The government is very good at doing a number of things, one of them being tracing food contamination and preventing widespread public poisonings.

In the meantime, don't eat the melons.

Besides. Honeydew is the money melon.

Fairness in America

2011-09-27T16:00:00.000-04:00

Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Ron Paul—Republican Debate Pt 2

2011-09-23T13:00:00.000-04:00

Mitt Romney, Megyn Kelly: Republican Debate

2011-09-23T11:00:00.000-04:00

The Eternal Mystery

2011-09-22T13:00:00.000-04:00

NSFW—Fantasy v Reality: Male Porn Star

2011-09-21T12:00:00.000-04:00

Founding F@#kers—Washington Insider

2011-09-16T13:00:00.000-04:00

Bible Thumping

2011-09-14T14:30:00.000-04:00

Tired

2011-09-12T15:00:00.000-04:00

Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, and Others at the Republican Debate

2011-09-08T09:00:00.000-04:00

Founding F@#kers—The Tree of Liberty

2011-09-02T10:00:00.000-04:00

Pond's Extreme Cold Cream

2011-09-01T13:30:00.000-04:00

Ten Great South Korean Commericials

2011-09-01T13:00:00.000-04:00

Advertising assumes a high level of cultural knowledge from its audience. Korea is so cut off from the rest of the world that it’s gone insane. When the two collide, hilarity is born. From sexy boilers to lascivious chips, see ten great commercials from South Korea.

1. Korean Children Are Adorable

Maybe all children are as tiny as Korean children, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It makes them cute well into their teens. It also means they can easily punch people in the nuts, which, it turns out, is a favorite pasttime of Korean children.

2. Hot and Spishi

From what I can gather, this ad shows a potato getting a stiffy, and inseminating a whirling-blade, plastic bag vagina of death.

3. It Heats Your Water

I've seen this happen at aluminium strip clubs.

4. You Are Not Ready

As creepy as this advertisement is, I do admire it's owning up to the creepy weirdness of excessive online video game play.

5. Alcohol Induced Attraction

While on a bender, it is possible to drink yourself sober if enough alcohol is quickly consumed. This is often followed by uncontrollable vomitting.

6. Dance Bah

This is the most accurate representation of an ice cream bar's ability to generate enthusiasm I have ever seen.

7. Banana Milk

The Korean word for milk is 우유 (or uyu), which would make for much better rhymes about wholesome things like milk than the word milk itself. All the licentiousness in rap music and off Broadway puppet shows can be traced to this disappointing reality.

8. Kimchi Fried Chicken

We take two sourdough buns, toast them in an oven, top it with hearty chicken strips and two soggy pieces of salty pickled cabbage. It's the taste your kids will die for. (This just sounds bad, it's actually quite delicious.)

9. Sucker

Using sexual innuendo to mislead your audience is the best visual advertising technique since two guys yelling at each other about long distance rates.

10. Flower Head

Male flowers are such dogwoods. They only think with their stamens.

Couple on a Park Bench

2011-08-29T13:03:00.000-04:00

Hurricane Irene, Rick Perry—Afternoon News

2011-08-26T15:15:00.000-04:00

Uphill Both Ways—Looking Backwards From the Future

2011-08-25T13:00:00.001-04:00

Jesus and the Wedding at Cana: The First Miracle

2011-08-23T23:59:00.005-04:00

Founding F@#*krs

2011-08-19T13:00:00.001-04:00

Fishing Tips

2011-08-18T13:00:00.002-04:00

Playing House

2011-08-16T13:00:00.003-04:00

Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney: Republican Debate in Ames Iowa

2011-08-12T12:00:00.002-04:00

Cactus Congress

2011-08-03T00:00:00.001-04:00

Marriage Equality (for Miley Cyrus)

2011-08-02T00:00:00.002-04:00

Declaration of Irony

2011-07-29T14:00:00.000-04:00

Media Bias

2011-07-28T13:00:00.001-04:00

Planned Parenthood

2011-07-20T12:00:00.006-04:00

Strip #47 - Sky Pilots

2011-07-15T14:30:00.003-04:00

Strip #46 - Harry Potter or Harry Potter

2011-07-13T23:59:00.001-04:00

Strip #45 - Kitty Porn

2011-07-11T15:30:00.000-04:00

Strip #44

2011-07-08T17:00:00.001-04:00

Strip #42

2011-06-24T16:50:00.003-04:00

Strip 41

2011-06-09T08:00:00.003-04:00

Strip 40

2011-05-27T16:00:00.003-04:00

Strip 39

2011-05-20T13:00:00.003-04:00

Strip 38

2011-05-11T06:00:00.009-04:00

New Animation

2010-04-12T21:26:00.003-04:00

2010-03-23T02:52:00.005-04:00

The dead are not as safe as they seem. Read about the difference between felonies and misdemeanors as they relate to "desecration."

Mondays are always good because Raskolnikov is home and we get a chance to talk before he goes to class and I start work.

While Rodya and I discussed the new credit card rules, loan sharks, and pizza dough; the topic of legal punishment for necrophilia arose.

After some very casual inquiries into the subject we have determined:

The following states have had enough corpse defiling problems to pass laws about the issue:

Alabama—Class C felony under 13A-11-13
Arkansas—Class D felony under 5-60-101
Arizona—Class 4 felony under 32-1364
California—Felony under Health and Safety Code 7052, up to eight years in prison
Florida—Second degree felony under chapter 872.06
Georgia—Felony, up to 10 years in prison under 16-6-7
Iowa—Class D felony under 709.18
Minnesota and Nevada also have laws prohibiting necrophilia
—Nevada Class A felony with a maximum penalty of life in prison with the possibility of parole under NRS 201.450
Oregon—Felony for "Abuse of Corpse" ORS 166.085
Washington—Class C felony for "Sexually violating human remains" RCW 9A.44.105
Wisconsin—Class G felony under 940.225

Now, those are all the states in which corpse defilement is a felony. There are also those states where getting your creep on is only a misdemeanor.

For those of you who don't recall US civ class, a misdemeanor is any crime punishable by less than a year in jail or a fine of less than a thousand dollars. At least, that's a base standard. The actual punishment for having sex with a a dead body, where it varies, is listed below each of these states.

Alaska—Class A misdemeanor under 11-61-130
Colorado—Class 2 misdemeanor under 18-13-101—minimum penalty - 3 months / 250 dollar fine or both
—maximum penalty - 1 year / 1,000 dollar fine or both
Connecticut—Class A misdemeanor under 53a-73a
Delaware—Class A misdemeanor under 11-5-1332
Hawaii—Misdemeanor
Ohio—Second degree misdemeanor, fifth degree felony under 2927.01
—A misdemeanor of the second degree carries a maximum fine of $750 or not more than 90 days in jail.
Fifth Degree Felony—six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, or twelve months in jail.$2,500
Pennsylvania—Second degree misdemeanor under Title 18 §5510
—A crime is a misdemeanor of the second degree if it is so designated in this title or if a person convicted thereof may be sentenced to a term of imprisonment, the maximum of which is not more than two years.
Texas—Class A misdemeanor
—fine of <$4,000
Less than one year in jail

All relevant legal information courtesy of Wikipedia on Necrophilia

Some states don't even have laws against necrophilia.

What makes me laugh is that people now have a much clearer idea on how long it will take to pay off their credit card debts than the authorities have on what to do if they find one such credit consumer with their penis inside a dead body.

The important thing to take away from all of this is that gay marriage and free healthcare are tearing apart traditional family values in a country where fucking a corpse is only illegal in 40% of the states.

Sex Mahoney for President

Currently listening to:

China
by Tori Amos

Send all complaint letters to sexmahoney@gmail.com.

It's Always Twilight in Philadelphia

2009-12-30T08:55:00.000-05:00

It's Always Twilight in Philadelphia from Sex Mahoney on Vimeo.

Tard and Feathered - 01 - Christmas Tard

2009-12-25T07:45:00.001-05:00

Tard and Feathered

Episode 01—Christmas Tard

Well, hello there, folks.

So glad you could make it.

I've been working on this on and off for the last year, as have many of the people you see named in the credits.

We hope you enjoy it.

We have already started working on the next one.

Sex Mahoney for President

#31

2009-10-08T06:00:00.000-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#30

2009-07-10T07:43:00.000-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#29

2009-06-26T01:02:00.001-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#28

2009-06-24T09:08:00.000-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#27

2009-06-22T20:57:00.000-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#26

2009-06-19T10:02:00.001-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#25

2009-06-18T01:11:00.000-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#24

2009-06-15T08:50:00.001-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#23

2009-06-12T19:11:00.000-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#22

2009-06-10T11:44:00.000-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

Strip #21

2009-05-08T09:50:00.001-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#20

2009-05-07T15:49:00.000-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#19

2009-05-04T13:22:00.000-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#18

2009-04-24T03:27:00.000-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#16

2009-04-06T14:50:00.001-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#15

2009-04-03T15:16:00.001-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#14

2009-03-27T12:00:00.001-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#13

2009-03-20T13:48:00.000-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#12

2009-03-13T17:31:00.000-04:00

Sex Mahoney for President

#11

2009-03-06T11:57:00.000-05:00

Sex Mahoney for President

Ninety Minutes, One Ball

2009-03-04T14:00:00.000-05:00

Well folks, I'm sorry I haven't been writing as much as I should, but I am hard at work on other projects like trying to find a job and keep from starving to death.

In the meantime, enjoy this new audiobook:

Which you can download, or stream, from Archive.org or download from mininova.org as a torrent.

In this audio book, you will hear selections read by:

Mercedes (my beautiful wife):

Anonymous (a fellow myspace blogger):

Pete (my cousin):

Amy (my future sister-in-law):

And, of course, you'll hear my sweet, dulcet tones thrown in there as well.

So, download your copy today and pass it out among your friends and family. They'll appreciate the dick jokes.

Sex Mahoney for President

#10

2009-02-27T13:11:00.000-05:00

Sex Mahoney for President